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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24293980">I Know Places</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lipsomniac/pseuds/lipsomniac'>lipsomniac</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>LOONA (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Forbidden Friendship, Unconscious Pining, Useless oblivious gays, You've been warned, a lot of longing, and just as much denial, angst and sadness, i tried; okay?, like; the true definition of denial, realistic setting, sprinkled with a bit of comfort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:27:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>22,277</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24293980</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lipsomniac/pseuds/lipsomniac</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Haseul is about to debut in her parents’ entertainment company. Jungeun is a secretary who finds satisfaction in her routine. What if they shared a secret that would end up driving them apart?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jo Haseul/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>68</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Know Places</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jungeun did not know when she had started liking her job. If anyone had told her a year before that she would have become a secretary in one of the biggest entertainment agencies in the country, she would not have believed them. Yet, there she was, smiling to every person who came in, typing their name in the registry if they had an appointment, and kindly directing them to the company’s café if they were fans passing by.</p><p>A lot of people usually came in, but there were quiet moments when she could just tidy the front desk and chat with her co-worker. Jiwoo had gone to the same high school as she had, and yet, they had never talked to each other before she got the job. She did remember seeing her across the street on the first day of school and thinking that she was very bright and energetic. Maybe too much for her. At least, it was what she thought at first, because now that she was getting to know her, she realized that the slightly younger girl was perfectly able to behave like an adult and was even a pleasant company.</p><p>Her co-worker had been hired earlier than she did, and she was the one who had shown her everything, from the software they used, to the way to every room in the building. She had explained to her when she should give a call to CEO Jo – spoiler alert: never, he preferred short emails or texts – or how to deal with intruders with diplomacy, without needing to call security.</p><p>Jungeun was thinking about what she would eat at lunch when one of the artists came by and greeted them with warmth. She came every day, and the secretary would have recognized her face among those of all the artists working there. Although she had been there for a while now, she kept mixing up two girls named Hyunjin and Hyejoo, so she had resorted to never greeting them by their name. But the short brunette who had just come out of the corridor leading to the practice room did not look like anyone else.</p><p>“Hello, girls! I hope you’re having a nice day. Here’s something to thank you for your hard work.”</p><p>The short girl whose eyes were as bright as her teeth walked up to the counter. She was carrying a box of chocolate that she placed on top of it. Jungeun could see Jiwoo salivating from her seat. The girl leaned over the counter and whispered.</p><p>“My grandmother gave them to me, but I’m on a diet. I think you’ll appreciate them more.”</p><p>She winked at Jungeun, whose mouth was agape, grinned at Jiwoo and went back where she was coming from, her bobbed hair bouncing above her shoulders.</p><p>“Thank you!” Jiwoo shouted around the corner.</p><p>Jungeun grabbed the box of chocolate and opened it, and let her friend take the first one before grabbing one herself. She put it under the counter, where the customers would not see it but where she and her co-worker could grab them easily.</p><p>“Jiwoo, what group is she from? I can’t remember.”</p><p>She put the chocolate to her mouth, only to realize that it was a toffee, with caramel dripping in her mouth. <em>Exquisite</em>.</p><p>“She’s not in any group, she’s CEO Jo’s daughter, Haseul.”</p><p>Jungeun spat half of the chocolate she was eating on the desk and choked on the other half. She coughed a few times and Jiwoo patted her back lightly.</p><p>“Stop… patting… you can… kill someone…like that” she managed to spit out between coughs.</p><p>Jiwoo shrugged, and Jungeun finally managed to stop herself from dying of chocolate ingestion. She wiped away the tears that had accumulated when she coughed. Her co-worker sat back down.</p><p>“She’s the CEO’s daughter? Why didn’t you tell me this?”</p><p>Jiwoo spun around, unbothered.</p><p>“I thought you knew. Everyone knows.”</p><p>Jungeun did not know. She had always thought that the girl was one of the trainees. Haseul always made sure to greet everyone, and her kindness was unmatched. Yet, she was someone who had the power to get her fired if she made a mistake. The brown-haired girl was starting to think that maybe she should not have accepted a box of chocolate coming from the CEO’s daughter, who had gotten it from… the CEO’s mother or mother-in-law? Maybe choking on chocolate was her punishment for having considered her boss’ daughter as a trainee.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Days passed, but the way Jungeun viewed her workplace had changed. When Haseul would come to the front desk, she would immediately tense up, sit straight, appear professional… until she had to talk to her, and completely panicked, becoming a stuttering mess.</p><p>She could not get the girl’s lineage out of her mind. She often wondered how her co-worker could act so natural around her. But then again, Jiwoo was Jiwoo. And maybe she had had more time to get accustomed to acting friendly with her boss’ daughter than Jungeun had had. The latter was glad that her friend took over whenever Haseul was there and saved her from embarrassing herself.</p><p>“Hello Jungeun!”</p><p>The tiny girl was there, and Jungeun prayed for Jiwoo to do all the talking. But her bangs were nowhere to be seen. She was not back from her break. The hot flush that invaded the new secretary’s body felt like a grenade had exploded inside of her.</p><p>“H- Hello H-Haseul.”</p><p>Jungeun was a mess. It was the first time that she had to call the other girl by her name since she had learnt it. She realized that it was also the first time that her boss’ daughter had called her by her name. It had not even occurred to her that there was a possibility she knew it. She did not wear a name tag.</p><p>“Are you okay? You seem a bit off.”</p><p>She was not okay. Blood was pounding at every extremity of her body and she could bet ten thousand wons that her ears were already bright pink, and that her cheeks was joining the party.</p><p>“Y-Yes. Yes I’m okay. I’m sorry.”</p><p>She straightened her back to try to regain composure. She tried to breathe deeply through her nose so it did not show too much that she was panicking and even managed to give a sheepish smile to the girl in front of her, who responded with one that was ten times as bright. How could she always be so confident?</p><p>“It’s okay, don’t apologize.”</p><p>How could she always be so kind? If someone had told Jungeun that her boss had a daughter, she would have imagined that it would be a spoilt, entitled brat. The sweet, angelic being that was in front of her contradicted all her expectations.</p><p>“Is something on my face?”</p><p>Jungeun realized she had been staring for too long. It was not her fault that Haseul had soft eyes, clear skin and a cute nose that was asking to be poked… <em>Wait</em>. Jungeun could not be thinking about poking that girl’s nose. What would her employer think?</p><p><em>Yes, cuteness is all over your face</em>.</p><p>“No, I’m sorry.”</p><p>The girl frowned, visibly unconvinced.</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>She brought a hand close to her nose, but Jungeun had to stop the imminent disaster from happening and stepped forward, leaning over the counter to grab the girl’s hand before it touched her skin.</p><p>“I’m sure. Don’t touch it, you’re gonna mess up your make-up.”</p><p>Haseul’s gaze landed on her hand, and Jungeun immediately let go, bringing her arm to the side of her body in a very unnatural position, like a soldier standing at attention.</p><p>“Oh. I’m sorry.”</p><p>The dark-haired girl gave her a forgiving smile and then peeped around, apparently looking for something.</p><p>“I had something to ask Jiwoo, but I guess I’m gonna have to come back later.”</p><p>She took a step back and walked away. Jungeun did not know what to reply to that. Until a second later.</p><p>“HAVE A NICE DAY!”</p><p>She had literally shouted it out while the girl was only two meters away. The security guards, and passersby all turned their head towards her. She lowered her chin to the floor, feeling her skin reddening even more (if such a thing was possible). Before her eyes could escape to the papers on her desk, she caught a glimpse of Haseul smirking and could have sworn she heard an almost silent chuckle before the girl left. Jungeun stood there, doing nothing, until the sound of heels walking in her direction brought her back to reality.</p><p>“What was Haseul doing here?”</p><p>Jiwoo was already tidying papers on her side of the desk.</p><p>“She wanted to see you. Where were you?”</p><p>If the girl’s lips were always stretched into a joyful banana, the look she gave Jungeun was different. It was… cheeky. An expression that she was not used to see Jiwoo wearing.</p><p>“It’s a secret.”</p><p>Jungeun was still embarrassed from the interaction that just happened and would give anything to be distracted from her shame. Plus, Jiwoo was always an open book, and the fact that she could have a secret made her curious.</p><p>“I like secrets.”</p><p>Her co-worker shook her head, keeping on her aura of exciting mystery.</p><p>“I’ll tell you later. Not today.”</p><p>Jungeun was filled with disappointment, but it was nothing in comparison with the embarrassment that she felt as she started replaying the previous event in her head. It was something that would haunt her forever. She had made a fool of herself in front of her boss’ daughter.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>The atmosphere in the Satellite Entertainment building was buzzing. Many artists debuted every year, but none of them got a special showcase like the family jewel, the pride of the agency’s CEO. Haseul’s debut was in every mouth.</p><p>Jungeun would not know what other people talked about, though, because she still talked only to Jiwoo, who was the one who gave her all the juicy details of the company’s gossip.</p><p>All of the staff had been invited to a secret premiere showcase as “a treat to thank them for their hard work”. Of course, everyone knew Haseul and liked her, and a lot of employees talked about how they felt privileged that they got to hear her songs first.</p><p>Rumor had it that her voice was as angelic as her face. Jungeun was not one to believe rumors, but when she heard the first notes of the first song that night, she regretted not believing them. Haseul’s voice was like drizzle on a warm day, caressing her skin softly, revealing all the smells around her and bringing all her senses to life. It was drizzle in the draught and Jungeun was only then realizing how thirsty she was. Haseul’s voice could quench her thirst. Maybe even cure cancer.</p><p>She was letting the girl’s voice rock her like soft, soothing waves. She was in another world, where sounds were everywhere around her, where all that mattered was the music and the effect it produced, and nothing else existed. She did not even realize the first song was over until Jiwoo nudged her elbow, reminding her to clap her hands, which she did with all the enthusiasm she could gather.</p><p>The singer was beaming under the applause. Pride and happiness were a look that suited her well. According to Jungeun, this success was well-deserved. And her opinion did not change as the showcase went on, and each new song was better than the last.</p><p>The end came too soon. Haseul thanked the company’s staff for coming that night and sharing this moment with her, but Jungeun was internally thanking the girl herself for sharing her music with them. There was something about it that made the secretary feel like she could get a grasp of her heart and soul being conveyed through the lyrics, all coated in an enchanting melody. If Jungeun had not believed in magic before, she believed in it now.</p><p>The singer got off the stage and was congratulated by her parents. The CEO and his wife, whom Jungeun recognized as the head of human resources, were looking at their daughter with pride. When she saw the expression they were both sporting, Jungeun’s chest tightened. Ever since she had dropped out of university, she had been a disappointment to her parents. They hid it well, but she feared that behind their overt support, deep inside, they were upset. She hoped that she could make them proud someday.</p><p>After chatting with her parents for a few seconds, Haseul started making rounds to greet everyone who had come.</p><p>“Jungeun, let’s go to the buffet!”</p><p>The energy in Jiwoo’s voice took her out of her contemplation of the scene. For a second she had witnessed an intimate moment between a united family that she should not have witnessed, as this kind of joyful instants belong only to those who live them. She shook her head and followed her friend to the buffet. She was not very hungry, but she took a few appetizers to make a good impression. They tasted good, but were bland compared to the festival of sensations she had experienced from the honey dripping from Haseul’s voice. Jiwoo grabbed a few of them and walked away without issuing a warning, to go talk to one of the trainees. The very thin, tall one with shorter hair than the others.</p><p>“Did you enjoy the show?”</p><p>Jungeun turned around to see who was talking to her, even though she already knew who it was, having learnt to recognize this voice over the weeks. Haseul was so radiant she could have been scouted by a Colgate publicist, had one of them been allowed to come to the showcase.</p><p>“You were amazing.”</p><p>Somehow, those simple words were not enough to express how in awe she was. Jungeun could only try to show the singer that her performance – and maybe more than that – had caught her attention.</p><p>“Do you write your songs yourself?”</p><p>Jungeun was still having an out-of-body experience induced by the fact that she was witnessing a phenomenon, she would have never thought she would see happen before her eyes: Haseul was blushing. If the slight pink shade did not stay on her cheeks for long and although she regained composure in less than a second, the brown-haired girl had not missed it.</p><p>“Yes, I do.”</p><p>Letting her usual mask of confidence go, the shorter girl was showing humility.</p><p>“I don’t know where you find your inspiration, but your songs are incredible.”</p><p>Haseul’s smile was soft. She opened her mouth, about to say something but closed it right away. Jungeun wondered what thought that she could not express had gone through her head at that moment. Haseul did not let her ponder the question longer.</p><p>“Can I show you something? Let’s get out of here.”</p><p>The words echoed inside the secretary’s skull. Adrenalin was already kicking through her vein. Work ethics were telling her she should say no, but her guts were telling her to say yes. What could possibly happen, anyway? The boss’ daughter was certainly responsible for her own actions, right? Jungeun was unsure what to do. She scanned the room, her heart beating loud in her chest. Jiwoo was still talking to the tall trainee with shoulder-length brown hair. Her boss and his wife were talking to guests. No one would even notice if they were gone, right? She gave Haseul a small, uncertain nod.</p><p>At once, a hand circled her wrist and she was pulled towards the exit. One would think that the tiny girl would take tiny steps, but she walked fast, and Jungeun had a hard time following her pace without tripping on her own feet. Haseul finally stopped at the end of a corridor.</p><p>“Are you scared of elevators?”</p><p>“Hum… no?”</p><p>“Good!”</p><p>She pushed the button and they stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, but it was still less awkward than the half minute that came next. They stood in perfect silence and without even exchanging a glance, following the usual consensus between strangers riding an elevator. Jungeun watched the numbers on the digital screen increase as they rose to the top floor of the building. As far as she knew, only the boss’ apartment was there. Was she getting invited to the boss’ home? Now, that felt risky.</p><p>A shiver of relief ran through her body when Haseul dragged her a few meters outside of the elevator, away from the apartment door, and pulled on another heavy one that she held open for the both of them. Right behind it was a flight of metallic stairs. Jungeun did not think that they could get any higher than the top floor, but she was wrong. She was wrong about a lot of things.</p><p>They climbed the stairway and Haseul opened another heavy door. The light was suddenly entirely different. It was natural rather than artificial. The secretary understood that they were on the roof. She did not have time to take in the view below them. She was too busy gawking at the surprise she was faced with, right by the door.</p><p>There were tall exotic plants in pots everywhere around them. A thin bamboo mattress was on the floor next to a rattan chair. The whole place was dark because of the night sky, but it quickly illuminated once Haseul switched on battery-lit fairy lights that were every color of the rainbow. The place had a cozy vibe and Jungeun was still awestruck.</p><p>“No one knows it’s here. Not even my dad.”</p><p>The brunette’s smug expression showed how proud she was of having arranged this improvised relaxing area. She most certainly had taste.</p><p>“How did you sneak all of that here?”</p><p>Haseul’s expression turned mischievous.</p><p>“They were about to throw it away after xxyx’s debut photoshoot. They had a jungle concept, remember? Let’s just say I was faster than the garbagemen.”</p><p>She winked, and right after Jungeun was done keeping her cool to avoid flushing, the secretary started imagining the tiny girl carrying all those heavy plants that were taller than her by herself and wished she could have been there to help her.</p><p>“Do you come here often?”</p><p>She scanned the place. Apart from the plants and the garden furniture, nothing was there. It was like no one ever came.</p><p>“As much as I can. I do get lonely here sometimes, though.”</p><p>They said it was lonely at the top, and in this moment, on the roof, Jungeun could understand why.</p><p>“You should come with me, next time.”</p><p>The secretary turned around to face her boss’ daughter, her mouth agape, unsure of what she had just heard. Blood was rushing to her cheeks again, and her heart was pounding. She could see in the other girl’s eyes that she was expecting an answer. She opted for a sincere one.</p><p>“I’d love to.”</p><p>Haseul’s immediate genuine joy warmed Jungeun’s insides even more than the blood that was running fast speed throughout her body. Haseul opened the door.</p><p>“Let’s go back before they realize I’m not there.”</p><p>The brunette led the way to the small concert room, and Jungeun was still in disbelief of what had just happened.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>The next day, Jungeun went to work more excited than usual. She was more dynamic and outgoing. Visitors seemed nice, and even the sun seemed brighter. The place was almost empty, and every time she heard noise coming from the corridor behind them, she stood up straight in anticipation for the person who might be coming next.</p><p>She did not know why she found the idea of going on secret hangouts with her boss’ daughter so exhilarating. She had never been one to like the thrill. Yet, she was excited. She and Haseul would have their own tiny secret world, something that belonged to them only. Jungeun had never shared secrets with anyone before, and a secret like “I hang out with my boss’ daughter and he doesn’t know it” was a provocative one to start with.</p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>Jiwoo was nonchalantly sitting on her chair, her feet propped up on the desk, filing her nails. The sudden sight suddenly made Jungeun frown. If anyone peered at the desk, they would think that the receptionists were unprofessional, and she really did not want that to happen. Especially not now.</p><p>“God Jiwoo, what if the boss comes in and sees you like that?”</p><p>Jiwoo took her feet off the desk, inspecting her hands for proof of her good job and put her nail filer back in her handbag.</p><p>“Took you long enough to notice. What’s up with you?”</p><p>Jungeun furrowed her eyebrows, not understanding why her friend would ask such a question.</p><p>“What do you mean, what’s up with me?”</p><p>Jungeun averted her gaze. The ten seconds she had taken to talk to her friend had kept her inactive for too long. She started tidying up the leaflets on the counter.</p><p>“See, exactly what you’re doing now. You can’t stop moving for more than ten seconds. You’ve already tidied these leaflets five times today. What’s up?”</p><p>Jungeun gasped. She was only doing her job with more spirit than usual. She did not see anything wrong with that. She had better impress her boss so he would not fire her even if he discovered she hung out with his daughter.</p><p>“I’m just doing my job.”</p><p>Jiwoo rolled her eyes and Jungeun started to get defensive, unsure if she would be able to stop herself from snapping at her friend if she insisted too much.</p><p>“No, you’re overdoing your job.”</p><p>Jiwoo punctuated her words by standing up and going on the other side of the desk.</p><p>“I’m gonna get a hot chocolate, do you want something?”</p><p>Jungeun realized now that they still had not taken a break. Usually, they would have already taken three of them by that time of the day. No one was around, they were not drowning in work, to say the least, so maybe they could allow themselves to take a break now.</p><p>“Yeah coffee, please.”</p><p>“Don’t you think you’re too hyper for that?”</p><p>Jungeun groaned.</p><p>“You shouldn’t have asked what I wanted if you were not willing to give me coffee!”</p><p>She might have said it in a tone a bit too angry, because Jiwoo held up her hands in the air as a sign of surrender and walked away.</p><p>Alone at the desk, Jungeun felt the urge to busy herself even more. She could not just sit and wait for her friend to come back. But the problem was: she could not think of anything else to do. She had already done everything that needed to be done. Admitting her defeat, she sat down in her chair, waiting for people to come in, or Jiwoo to come back.</p><p>After less than a minute buried in her thoughts she realized that Haseul still had not come, and that it would be a very bad time if she came now, with Jiwoo missing, because it would mean Jungeun could not leave the front desk to go with her on the rooftop.</p><p>She prayed for her co-worker to be back soon. But Jiwoo still was nowhere to be seen. The company’s café was not that far, what could be taking her so long?</p><p>She waited patiently, and her friend ended up coming back after fifteen minutes, a huge smile plastered on her face. She seemed so happy that Jungeun did not dare to question why she had been so slow to come back. At least she had come back.</p><p>But that day, one person did not come: Haseul.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Haseul had forgotten her.</p><p>The thought was striking, obvious. It had been days, and nothing had happened. The brunette had not even come to the lobby once. At first, Jungeun had been worried something might have happened to her, but Hyejoo – or Hyunjin, she still could not tell them apart – had told her she had a meeting with Haseul in one of the practice rooms, which meant Haseul was probably just fine.</p><p>The next conclusion to get to was: Haseul was ignoring her.</p><p>But then again, Jungeun did not know Haseul that well, and although she did not think the girl was the type to ignore others, it could be true. She seemed sweet and reliable. For some reason, Jungeun refused to think that Haseul could be ignoring her.</p><p>The only logical reason for her not coming by was that she had forgotten what she had told Jungeun. Some people make promises and just forget about them, so maybe something that was not even a promise, just an offer, was forgettable.</p><p>Jungeun had been too excited over nothing. She felt like something had been taken away from her. The idea of having secret fun in her workplace had been a volatile one. The words had come out of Haseul’s mouth, materialized in Jungeun’s brain, but found no substance in her world. At first, she had kept the possibility alive by imagining multiple scenarios of what they could have done on that rooftop, but then, the practical side of her brain had decided it was better not to fantasize and to just discover what adventure awaited her at the right time.</p><p>Now, she had to accept that even if she had caught her brain’s imaginative machinery on time, she still had imagined too many things. She was almost mad at herself for being excited about the possibility to sneak out of work in secret. It was not like her. She was professional. She had to be.</p><p>“Hello? Earth to Jungeun?”</p><p>Still deep in her thoughts, Jungeun had not realized that Jiwoo had been talking to her.</p><p>“Seriously, what’s wrong with you? Last week you were running around like you were Ronald McDonald’s visiting a children’s hospital to cheer them up, and now you’ve turned into one of the children he’d visit.”</p><p>The past week, Jungeun had contemplated the idea of spicing up her work routine by doing things she was not allowed to do, and now she had realized that what she was actually allowed to do was boring, in comparison. She was starting to wonder why she had liked her job in the first place. That was what was wrong with her.</p><p>“I’m bored.”</p><p>And tired. She had not been sleeping well. It happened to her sometimes. She did not have any particular thought. She simply could not fall asleep. At least not at 10pm as she usually did. She would fall asleep at midnight and wake up often, at random hours of the night. When this happened, she would get grumpier the next few days, and somewhat pessimistic.</p><p>Jiwoo checked her wristwatch and Jungeun could tell she was planning a mischief.</p><p>“There’s only five minutes left, and no one is coming. We should play a game.”</p><p>Jungeun did not want to play a game. She only wanted to go home. She was about to protest, but Jiwoo had already drawn a tic-tac-toe grid on a sheet of paper and slid it towards her across their desk. She grabbed a pen and drew a cross in a corner. Jiwoo drew a circle in the opposite one. The sheet went back and forth a few times, and Jungeun must admit that, at least, it took her mind off things.</p><p>At some point, she glanced over the counter and realized someone was standing behind it. And not just anyone. Haseul had been watching them play tic-tac-toe.</p><p>“Please don’t tell your dad we were doing that!”</p><p>The CEO’s daughter chuckled. Jungeun noticed how light and merry her laugh was.</p><p>“Don’t worry Jiwoo, he already knows you guys take five breaks a day, and he doesn’t care because you do your job well.”</p><p>Jiwoo gasped, caught off-guard, and Jungeun was just… emotionless. She could not believe Haseul was standing before them, and she did not want to believe it. She did not want to care.</p><p>“Oh look, it’s seven! Time to go home. See you tomorrow Jiwoo! Bye Haseul.”</p><p>Jungeun turned off her computer in a second, stood up, gave the two of them a quick bow without letting their eyes meet, and walked away towards the locker room. She always wore a suit at work, and it was usually something she took pride in, but that day, she wanted to get rid of it as fast as possible and to go home.</p><p>She opened her locker and untied her ponytail. She took off her suit and put it carefully on the hanger so it would not crease. She grabbed the mom jeans she had bought a few days before and internally congratulated herself for it because it was very comfortable when she wore it. Plus, it suited her polka dots red top well.</p><p>When she opened the door of the locker room, the sight of a silhouette on her left side made her stomach jump in her throat. She placed a hand on her ribcage, as if it would help her to calm down.</p><p>“Oh my God, you gave me a heart attack.”</p><p>She then realized who she was talking to. Haseul’s rising laughter was still as light as it had been earlier and Jungeun’s mind was split between being submerged by a contagious happiness and upset because Haseul was completely unaffected by the fact she had forgotten her. Which was rational, when Jungeun thought about it. Which made her even more mad. She, herself, was not acting rational. Haseul was, and it was mirroring the fact Jungeun was not. The other girl had never promised her anything. She barely acknowledged her presence and headed towards the exit.</p><p>“Aren’t you coming with me?”</p><p>Jungeun turned around and frowned.</p><p>“Where?”</p><p>Haseul was enigmatic, and Jungeun felt her gaze piercing through her skin, so intense she could probably see her heart trying to escape her ribcage.</p><p>“You know where.”</p><p>The realization hit her. Haseul had not forgotten her. She still wanted them to hang out. Relief shared her mental space with suspicion. What if she had understood the last seconds wrong and gotten her hopes again for a few seconds? She froze in place, unsure about what to do. Haseul peeked around, and grabbed Jungeun’s hand in a hurry, dragging her towards the elevator unceremoniously. The door closed as Jungeun caught the sight of two people appearing in the corner of the lobby.</p><p>“Phew.”</p><p>Haseul leaned on the metallic wall and sighed. Jungeun raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“What was that about?”</p><p>She could tell Haseul was scared.</p><p>“I saw my uncle in the corridor.”</p><p>“Yeah, and?”</p><p>Haseul’s lips stretched thin.</p><p>“I’m supposed to be practicing with the xxyx girls. Sooyoung is covering up for me.”</p><p>Jungeun realized that being the boss’ daughter might not mean more freedom, but more responsibilities. Did Haseul have to hide all the time when she wanted to do something that was not training?</p><p>“Can you not do what you want?”</p><p>Haseul pinched Jungeun’s nose gently, smiling again. Jungeun crunched her nostrils in protest, but secretly, although she would never admit it, even to herself, she found the gesture cute.</p><p>“Don’t be foolish. I might be the daughter of the CEO but this is a competitive industry and I have to train as hard as everyone else if I want to be on their level.”</p><p>Jungeun did not even need to think before answering that.</p><p>“You are on their level.”</p><p>Haseul shook her head, and Jungeun was about to add something, clearly upset that the other girl did not believe her when she was assuredly the most talented person she had ever seen, but Haseul did not let her.</p><p>“You’re not being objective. I still need to improve a lot.”</p><p>The doors of the elevator opened, and Haseul peered in the corridor before going out swiftly, dragging Jungeun behind her to the heavy door. The stairs clinked under their feet as they walked up, and once the last door closed in a loud noise, they were met with a starry night. It was all around them, engulfing them, but it was not dark. Lights shone all over the city. Jungeun’s gaped at the sight. For some reason, it was even more beautiful than the first time she had come there. Probably because the clouds of pollution had disappeared.</p><p>Haseul pointed at a bamboo armchair that had been added next to the one that was already there the last time, inviting Jungeun to sit. There was also a net fabric hanging over their heads, and when Haseul touched something Jungeun could not see on the floor, the string lights turned on around them. Jungeun stood still, observing the whole thing, and Haseul gently pushed her towards the armchair and handed her a knitted blanket that Jungeun grabbed, silently thanking her.</p><p>“Welcome to our secret place.”</p><p>Our secret place. The words resonated in Jungeun’s head. It was like the two of them had instantly become a singular entity. They barely talked to each other before that moment but being there together made her feel like they were already close. They were bonding over something that belonged to them only.</p><p>Haseul sat down in the armchair next to her, and stared at her, smiling, probably gauging her reaction. She needed to divert her attention.</p><p>“So, what do you usually do when you come here?”</p><p>Jungeun glimpsed at Haseul, but Haseul was still poring over her. She had no choice but to match her gaze, hoping it would make her avert it.</p><p>“I usually sing and write.”</p><p>Haseul did not look away. But Jungeun could not maintain eye contact for so long.</p><p>The images of the other girl sitting here under the fairy lights and fabric, with a notebook, singing and writing started to form in her mind. But how would <em>she</em> fit in there?</p><p>“I can’t do any of that, what can I do?”</p><p>Haseul looked down and bit her lip, propping her head in her hand, her elbow resting on the arm of her chair.</p><p>“I would say ‘you can sit and listen’, but I know you’re lying, I heard you sing.”</p><p>Jungeun furrowed her eyebrows, confused. She never sang. Not in front of people anyway. Not anymore. No matter how hard she tried to think of any moment Haseul could have heard her sing, she could not think of any. It was impossible.</p><p>“I think you’re mistaken.”</p><p>Haseul grinned. When was she not smiling? She was probably not even aware of how charming she was.</p><p>“I heard you hum behind the front desk.”</p><p>Jungeun was still as confused. Yes, she hummed behind the front desk, sometimes, but she was two hundred percent sure that she stopped when people were around. She was about to protest but realized that maybe she was wrong. Maybe she had unknowingly kept humming once, and out of pure misfortune, Haseul had heard her.</p><p>“Please sing something for me.”</p><p>Haseul’s gaze was still on her, but it was not piercing anymore. It was softer. Jungeun knew she was blushing. A talented singer was asking her, Kim Jungeun, to sing. She must have fallen on her head.</p><p>“I can’t sing in front of you.”</p><p>“Alright, it’s okay.”</p><p>Haseul pouted and Jungeun could not help but feel compelled to make her happy again to wash the pout off her face. She could not disappoint the person that was  about to become her friend. Plus, if she had trusted her enough to bring her to her secret place and call it theirs, maybe Jungeun could make a little effort.</p><p>“Promise you won’t laugh at me? You are the singer here, I’m not.”</p><p>The brightness of the beam that appeared on the other girl’s face was worth the humiliation Jungeun was about to suffer despite the fact she had promised herself it would never happen again. The tiny brunette raised her head from where it was laying and extended her pinky to Jungeun, who interlaced her own. Haseul stared right through her soul.</p><p>“I promise.”</p><p>Haseul was so excited it made Jungeun feel bad that she was about to disappoint her. And now she could not even make her laugh anymore because she had made her promise she would not. This performance would be just as laughable as the last one she did, but she had made Haseul promise. Jungeun was not ready to hear any more criticism about her voice than she had already heard in the past.</p><p>She glanced around, simultaneously scanning her mind as quick as she could to find a song she felt comfortable enough with. Something caught her attention on the horizon, and the right song materialized in her mind.</p><p>“I like animated movies, don’t judge me.”</p><p>Haseul held her hands up, showing she would not judge her. Just in case, Jungeun preferred to stand up and to go lean on the railing, her back turned to Haseul. She did not want to see the other girl’s reaction. She fixated her gaze on the lights below the building, and proceeded to sing <em>I See The Light</em>, from the Rapunzel movie. She had watched the movie so many times by then that she knew its lyrics by heart. The words flowed out of her mouth, and she strived to listen to the melody instead of focusing on the sensation that Haseul’s pupils were burning her back, less than five meters behind her.</p><p>The part she sang was not long, but the moment was never-ending.</p><p>Finally, she sang the last sentence and then closed her eyelids and took a deep breath from the chilly air of th            at winter night, waiting anxiously for the singer’s reaction.</p><p>A few seconds passed, and Haseul still had said nothing. Maybe it was really bad and she did not want to say it. Jungeun needed to apologize for making her listen to such a mess. She opened her eyes and realized that the dark-haired girl was right next to her, leaning against the railing as well, watching the cars passing down the building. Jungeun progressively let herself take in the proximity between her and the other girl, noticing that their elbows were brushing. It sent shivers down her spine. Or maybe it was the expression she had almost never seen on Haseul’s face that did: she was serious.</p><p>“You’re seriously talented, Jungeun. You belong on a stage, not behind a front desk.”</p><p>Jungeun shook her head, beholding the road below them again.</p><p>“Don’t say that.”</p><p>Haseul pulled on Jungeun’s elbow to make her body turn to her. Jungeun realized she was about to insist so she cut her off, defensive.</p><p>“I sang only because you asked me to and because you promised you wouldn’t laugh. I don’t want to sing in front of anyone else.”</p><p>Haseul pouted, but she did not try to convince her. Jungeun was grateful that she did not insist, because she felt that she would give in to anything Haseul wanted. She had done it once just now; she could very well do it again. And she did not want to let herself think she could become a singer. She would not let her new friend get her hopes up. She had missed her chance long ago. Yet, maybe being defensive about it was not the solution.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to talk to you like that.”</p><p>Haseul squeezed her hand, and the warm contact sent a comforting wave across Jungeun’s arm.</p><p>“It’s okay. I’m sorry I tried to push you.”</p><p>Jungeun pouted. She did not want Haseul to be sorry. She had no reason to be.</p><p>“You didn’t! I overreacted.”</p><p>Jungeun focused on the armchairs as if they were going to bring her comfort. She was drained, and a part of her wanted to escape the situation. The adrenalin rush had died down, and she was overwhelmed by the last ten minutes of her life. That moment with Haseul had been short, but many intrusive thoughts had had enough time to go through her head.</p><p>“Actually, I’m kinda tired. Do you mind if I go home this time?”</p><p>She was scared to peer at her friend and see her disappointment, but what she saw instead surprised her. A small flickering light in her eyes that could only indicate one thing: hope.</p><p>“Do you still want to come here with me?”</p><p>Jungeun could not imagine that Haseul would be scared she would not want to come anymore. To her, it was obvious. It had been obvious from the moment Haseul had introduced her to what was now their secret place. She could not give her a chance to think otherwise.</p><p>“Of course, I would!” she made sure that her friend would believe her. “Next time I’ll be more fun, I promise.”</p><p>The brunette’s smile was now one of genuine satisfaction, and Jungeun thought that it was amazing how many different smiles Haseul had, and how beautiful they all were.</p><p>“Okay. I guess I should go practice, anyway.”</p><p>Without a word, they walked towards the door, rode the elevator together, and each went their separate ways.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>After weeks of coming together almost every day after Jungeun’s shift, they had both grown into their own habits on the rooftop. Haseul would sing and write songs while Jungeun would fill the diary that she had been keeping for years. At this point, it had become a notebook with an accumulation of random thoughts, carefully organized by bullet points, rather than a book in which lived an implicit reader whom she would tell about her life. She was always scared that Haseul would peek over her shoulder to see what she wrote, but it never happened, even when they had brought the two armchairs closer because the air was getting literally freezing and it was easier to keep warm if they were close to one another.</p><p>The two of them would sit together without exchanging words, and each of them themselves their own way. Sometimes, Jungeun did not find inspiration for her diary, but pretended to write stuff anyway so that Haseul would not get suspicious. In truth, Jungeun never stayed without inspiration for long, because the glances she kept stealing at the black-haired girl would remind her how happy it made her to be there. She could never write enough about how peaceful it felt for her up there, and how glad she was that such moments were shared with someone rather than lived by herself.</p><p>The moments that made her the happiest were undoubtedly their impromptu duets. Haseul would sometimes think of a random song and ask Jungeun if she knew it, and if she did, they would sing together. Sometimes, the songs were not so random.</p><p>“Do you know <em>I Know Places</em>, by Taylor Swift?”</p><p>Jungeun raised her head from her diary and nodded. She listened to a lot of American pop music. Mostly because it made her nostalgic of the summer she had spent there with her aunt before her last year of high school.</p><p>“I like it because it makes me think of us. Do you wanna sing the chorus with me?”</p><p>Jungeun nodded a second time. Haseul was right. She would never call a friend “baby”, but it did feel like they were hiding from other people together. No one knew they hung out on the rooftop. They were both taking risks by being there, but their little reunions could happen because none of them told other people where they were. As long as they were together, nothing could happen to them.</p><p>Haseul played the first chord on her guitar and sang the first note so Jungeun could harmonize. Their two voices blended well together. Haseul’s perfectly mastered head voice would simply blend into Jungeun’s nasal high-pitched chest voice. They effortlessly found the right voice combinations, and Jungeun was starting to like her own voice again when she heard it with Haseul’s.</p><p>
  <em>Baby, I know places we won’t be found</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And they’ll be chasing their tails trying to track us down</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Cause I, I know places we can hide</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I know places</em>
</p><p>Haseul stared at Jungeun while she sang, and Jungeun was fixated on the city horizon, avoiding eye contact as well as she could. Sometimes she dared to spare a glance at Haseul, but the dark-haired girl would notice and smile, and Jungeun would get too flustered and turn the other way.</p><p>She did not understand how Haseul could be so patient with her, and often wondered why she still asked her to sing even though she could not bring herself to share the experience fully. It was hard for her to let go. When she sang with Haseul, she felt naked, raw. And she did not want to see herself through the other girl’s eyes. The confidence she had always worn around people was wearing off. The walls she had built around herself were getting wrecked by the waves produced by their voices melting into each other. The more they sang, the more helpless she felt. And Haseul never took advantage of it.</p><p>There was a form of mutual respect between the two of them. An unsaid agreement as obvious and natural as the way their voices met each other in harmony. It made Jungeun feel safe. It was addictive. But she still could not match Haseul’s acute stare. Something she did not quite understand kept her from doing it. If eyes could mirror a person’s soul, she would not take the risk of letting Haseul catch a glimpse of hers and bare her from the fragile remnant of protections she still had.</p><p>“Why don’t you want to become a singer?”</p><p>Haseul had a tendency to bring up the topic by telling Jungeun that she should audition. An idea that Jungeun always rejected, and Haseul would let it go, at least until the next time. But until then, she had never asked Jungeun the reason why she did not want to become a singer.</p><p>It was not that she would hate being a singer. It was just that she liked the comfort of having a routine, and she was not ready to trade it. She was not ready to leave a life that she considered satisfying and to take the risk to have her voice be judged by the public. She knew how harsh criticism could be, and she was not ready to confront it on something as personal as her voice, something that came out of a literal part of her body and that could translate her soul. She did like singing. She had also liked the dance lessons she had taken until college. But liking these things as hobbies did not mean she had what it took and did not want to confront herself to the idea. Haseul’s voice made hers beautiful, but it could not stand on its own. The first producer she was confronted with after high school had told her that, and she had no choice but to believe him.</p><p>“I like singing with you. It’s like it’s part of our secret. It feels better to keep it that way.”</p><p>Haseul’s expression was undecipherable for a moment, and Jungeun was worried that her access of sincerity had ruined their friendship.</p><p>“I’m glad you accept to sing with me. I feel privileged that you let me hear your voice. Thank you.”</p><p>Jungeun did not lower her eyes. She grinned instead. Haseul had indeed received a privilege Jungeun would not give anyone else and that existed only for her.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Even the snow did not keep the girls from going on the rooftop. Haseul had brought a trunk there and they had each stored a warm coat in it so they could put it on there and not in the building in order not to raise suspicion, as no one walked with their coats on inside both because of the mandatory uniforms and because there were hangers in the locker rooms as well. Jungeun had stopped questioning how Haseul managed to bring new objects to the rooftop all the time and simply enjoyed the fact that their outdoor living space was getting homelier, even though it also meant Jungeun had had to sneak in more tarpaulin to cover the furniture up when they were not using it.</p><p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>Haseul was laying in snow, arms and legs spread. She started moving them in a windshield wiper motion.</p><p>“I’m making a snow angel!”</p><p>A snow angel. That was fitting.</p><p>“Come make one next to mine!”</p><p>Jungeun did not mind being outside in the cold, but did she want her coat to be wet because of the snow and to rot in the trunk afterwards because it would not be dry enough before they had to go back home? Probably not.</p><p>Haseul did not give her a choice, though. Once she thought her snow angel was perfectly shaped she got up fast and pushed Jungeun to the ground, with just enough strength to make her fall without hurting her.</p><p>“You did not just do that!”</p><p>Jungeun grabbed snow in both of her hands and compacted it into a tight ball that she aimed at Haseul’s shoulder, avoiding her head because she did not want her to get hurt.</p><p>“Oh you wanna play?”</p><p>Haseul threw another ball and ran behind one of the four walls of the rooftop access. Jungeun grabbed a snowball, ran after her, but Haseul had disappeared. She stopped where she was, scanned her surroundings, expecting her friend to appear from any side of the wall any time, ready to launch an attack. She spotted black hair to her right but was not fast enough, and a snowball hit her belly at full force. Her friend then jumped in front of her, exposed. Jungeun’s arm started a move to throw, but a noise made the two girls freeze.</p><p>The heavy metal door was grating. Instinctively, Jungeun pushed Haseul towards a small nook in the wall. Luckily, they were on the other side of the building. But all their stuff was right by the door.</p><p>The two of them held their breath. Jungeun was supposed to be home. Haseul was supposed to be practicing. And more than that, it was unprofessional of the both of them to hang out together. They could not be found out.</p><p>“They’re gonna find our stuff.”</p><p>Jungeun’s voice was merely a worried whisper, but they were so close, pinned against each other in the recess that Haseul would have no trouble hearing her. Haseul did not reply, visibly turning her ear to the door to listen in.</p><p>“What if they find us?”</p><p>Jungeun’s heart was racing. No sound had come from the door since it had been pushed, but she felt her impeding doom in every bone of her body. Haseul’s pupils finally landed on the bottom of Jungeun’s face and Jungeun saw her bite her bottom lip, preventing steam from coming out of her mouth for an instant.</p><p>“Then, at least we were here together.”</p><p>Haseul’s teeth let go of her bottom lip as she spoke, releasing steam that disappeared in the cold air, and averted her gaze. Jungeun could have sworn she was staring at her lips and wondered if they had gone dry because of the cold, but Haseul did not say anything. An alarm rang and she turned in the direction were the noise had come from.</p><p> “Hello?”</p><p>A man’s husky voice could be heard from inside the building. That person had not crossed the threshold of the door.</p><p>“The power system is in the basement?! Why didn’t you tell me that earlier? I’m coming down immediately.”</p><p>The door closed and the girls waited in silence just in case. Jungeun had not realized earlier because of the panic that they were so close that she could smell Haseul’s shampoo. She stepped backwards into the open, thinking that the proximity between them was not appropriate. Haseul got out of the nook too, and they stared at each other in perfect silence, waiting for the danger to be completely gone.</p><p>And then the dark-haired girl burst into laughter, and even though Jungeun did not understand why, she joined her. They released the stress of the last minute laughing hysterically until they were both out of breath.</p><p>Haseul pointed a finger at Jungeun, still contorting herself as if she had a stomach pain.</p><p>“You should have seen your face!”</p><p>Jungeun stopped laughing. If Haseul wanted to make fun of her, she would tease her too.</p><p>“How was my face?”</p><p>Haseul stopped laughing, but her toothy smile was still brighter than the snow around them.</p><p>“You looked scared. It was cute.”</p><p>Fright was not something Jungeun would consider as being cute. Why would Haseul call her cute, anyway? It was a thought that she would rather dismiss.</p><p>“Yeah, whatever. What do we do, now?”</p><p>Haseul grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the other side of the building.</p><p>“We go back inside. This dude is gonna come back here as soon as he realizes the power system is not in the basement but was here from the start, and I don’t want us to get in trouble.”</p><p>Jungeun pointed towards their improvised living room.</p><p>“What do we do about our stuff?”</p><p>Haseul shrugged, scrutinizing all the pieces of furniture that brought them comfort on a daily basis.</p><p>“We can’t really move it now, so let’s just pray no one gets in trouble because of me.”</p><p>“Because of us.”</p><p>Jungeun did not miss a beat. She had to correct her friend. Haseul may have been the one who had started bringing stuff there, but Jungeun had been more than happy to help her. Haseul smiled. It was not a confident smile, rather a cautious one, which the secretary could not quite understand.</p><p>“You’re right. Let’s cover it up and go back inside, then.”</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>The next times they had hung out at the rooftop, the two girls had taken extra precautions such as blocking the door on their side so it could not open. None of them were willing to take any risk. But they were not willing to give up on their hangouts either, so they had to at least try to make them safer.</p><p>Winter was coming to an end. The snow had melted long ago and now the air was still as polluted, but a bit warmer. The tropical trees that Haseul had stolen from the xxyx photoshoot had died during winter (who would have thought they were not fake?), so Haseul had insisted on getting their artificial version to replace them, justifying the purchase by saying it would create a nice shade for the hot summer days.</p><p>She had ordered them with her father’s credit card and had asked the delivery guy to bring them to the last floor, where she had signed off the huge parcel when her parents were working. It had been a pretty easy venture, until the point when she had to carry them to the rooftop, which she could not do on her own. The pots were not heavy because there was no earth and everything was in plastic, but they were cumbersome, and she could not open the final door to the rooftop on her own, or so she said. Jungeun was skeptical knowing that Haseul had once managed to carry real trees with heavy pots on her own. Anyway, Haseul had stored them behind the first door, where the stairs were and waited for Jungeun to arrive. At least, that was the story she had told the secretary.</p><p>The two girls then had to bring not only two, but five fake palm trees upstairs.</p><p>“Haseul, let me carry the last one please. You need to keep your energy to dance, today.”</p><p>Of course, Haseul had not listened and had carried the last pot to the rooftop while Jungeun held the door.</p><p>The two of them were panting. Haseul let herself fall into one of the armchairs, over the tarpaulin.</p><p>“Okay, let’s get to it.”</p><p>She rose suddenly, and Jungeun took a few steps to uncover the mirror Haseul had brought there. How? She still did not know.</p><p>“What are you working on, today?”</p><p>A few weeks ago, Haseul had been asked to work on her dancing more. Her instructor had said she had been lacking comparing to other girls because she was privileged. Haseul pretended it was fine and that her instructor was right, but Jungeun could tell that the woman’s words had gotten to her. So, Haseul had been working hard, almost every night, on the rooftop and then in xxyx’s practice room.</p><p>“Fire, by BTS.”</p><p>Jungeun connected her phone to the speaker, ready to play the song.</p><p>“Are you ready?”</p><p>“I have to warn you, I have a hard time with it…”</p><p>“It’s okay, show me!”</p><p>Jungeun had been giving advice to Haseul here and there ever since she had started dancing in front of her, but she had been holding back a lot. She did not want to give Haseul details that would show her Jungeun could dance. With this song, it would be harder. She had learnt it in the past. She had even performed it in front of a crowd. She would have to find a way not to point out every little detail but still be helpful enough.</p><p>She played the music, and Haseul started dancing. It was… a start. She had to start somewhere, right?</p><p>“Hmm… When the music goes ‘lalalalala’, can you do that part again?”</p><p>Haseul did. It was still not quite right. Jungeun shook her head and placed herself next to her friend.</p><p>“It’s not just about shifting feet, you have to shift your whole body-weight from one foot to the other too. Like that.”</p><p>And just like that, she was dancing herself, showing a move to Haseul.</p><p>“Wait Jungeun... You’re good at this.”</p><p>Here came the moment Jungeun had wanted to avoid.</p><p>“My friends used to force me to do go to random play dances with them. I’ve learnt the whole choreo for this one, though.”</p><p>Not a lie, but not exactly the truth either. She just did not want Haseul to think she was good at dancing. Her past experiences had proven that she was not.</p><p>“Can you show me? I think it will be easier to watch it done by another person than to learn it from YouTube.”</p><p>Jungeun did not want to say yes. But she could not say no. Haseul had a very valid argument. And she really wanted her friend to succeed. They had a very short amount of time to get her more familiar with the choreography than she was, so they could not waste any.</p><p>“Okay. Play the music.”</p><p>She handed her phone over to her friend and got ready, facing the mirror. She was not even warmed up, but as soon as the melody hit her eardrums, her whole body reacted. She had spent long hours training to this song. The moves came mechanically. She was surprised she was not stiff even though it had been a while since she had last danced, and the even more surprising thing was that she still had the same control over her joints. Everything was clean. At least it would be a good example for Haseul, although it could be even better.</p><p>The music stopped. Jungeun was panting. She finally dared to check her friend’s facials out to get feedback. Haseul had not moved an inch. Her mouth was wide open.</p><p>“When I heard you sing, I thought that it was your thing. I didn’t think there was anything you could do better than singing. Like, it just wasn’t possible because you’re really talented, you know? And now you’re out here dancing like this?! It’s unbelievable.”</p><p>Jungeun did not know how to feel about this statement. She felt warm, but it was probably more from the dancing from the compliment. She still felt bad about it. She did not deserve it.</p><p>“Yeah. Hum… That’s not talent. It’s only because I trained a lot. I… I graduated from Hanlim.”</p><p>Haseul’s was gaping at her. Right after she realized Jungeun was watching her, she closed her mouth and nodded so slowly that Jungeun was worried something was wrong with her brain. What if she had broken Haseul?</p><p>“It makes a lot more sense, now… God, there are so many things I don’t know about you.”</p><p>And there were so many things she did not know about Haseul either. But she did not want her friend to know more about her own life. She did not want to disappoint her. Jungeun had found solace in her job at Satellite entertainment, and she was not willing to reminisce at all the hopes she had left behind that one particular day.</p><p>“None of what you don’t know matters. It’s in the past. I’m just glad to be here now, with you.”</p><p>Haseul’s eyebrows furrowed, probably sensing in Jungeun’s tone that it actually still mattered to her, whether she wanted it to or not. But the truth was: she liked to shove everything deep down inside as soon as it got too much. She had been doing that ever since she had realized that that day had messed her up more than she thought. More than she could rationally handle.</p><p>Jungeun would be lying to herself if she said that being there with Haseul had not helped her get over her worries of the past. Haseul was reconciling her with music and dancing. She was helping her to create a positive association in her brain despite what happened. Without knowing it, Haseul was helping her be at peace with herself. To Jungeun, it was the most valuable thing her friend could give her. She still wondered why, of all people, Haseul had picked her to come up there with her.</p><p>Jungeun sat down in her armchair, and the other girl naturally imitated her. She mustered up some courage and peeped into her friend’s hazel irises, uncertain.</p><p>“Haseul, can I ask you something?”</p><p>The same soft grin Jungeun would never get used to was painted on her friend’s face.</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>“How did you know I could sing? I mean, when did you hear me hum?”</p><p>For once, Jungeun did not lower her gaze. Curiosity was getting stronger than shyness. There was no point being shy around Haseul anymore. She felt safe. Haseul, however, was glazing over the floor, lost in her thoughts, trying to remember.</p><p>“It was when I was on my way to say hi to you and Jiwoo. I would arrive by the corridor behind the desk, as I usually do. And often, when you were alone you’d be humming. So I just stayed in the corridor and listened to you. I didn’t want to interrupt you, so I didn’t say hi these days.”</p><p>Jungeun listened closely, Haseul’s words falling into her ears, dripping into her body, poisoning her veins, her thoughts. She could imagine her friend standing at the edge of the wall behind their desk, just listening. All this time, Haseul had been only one or two meters away, and she had never known, but suddenly, that distance was as unbearable as the twenty centimeters that stood between their armchairs.</p><p>The younger girl did not understand what was happening, so she did the same thing she did when anything got too overwhelming: either downplaying it, changing subjects or deflating it with humor.</p><p>“Oh so you’re a stalker, then? I’m glad you don’t know where I live.”</p><p>Haseul punched her in the shoulder, giggling.</p><p>“My mother is head of human resources. Do you really think I can’t get your address and phone number?”</p><p>She was making a point. And Jungeun, did not really want Haseul to search through her record file, anyway.</p><p>“You could probably just ask me for them.”</p><p>“Nah, I’m not a stalker anymore.”</p><p>Haseul winked. Jungeun would have given her number easily. They were friends, right? It would have been safe to give Haseul her number.</p><p>“Okay, let’s get back to it! I need to master this choreo in half an hour before the instructors gets here.”</p><p>That was an ambitious goal, but it was a challenge Jungeun was willing to take on.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>The music stopped and the two girls immobilized, panting. The weather was warm, and it did not go down by a lot in the evening. The days were longer as well, and the girls enjoyed training under the sunset.</p><p>“Okay I think it’s enough for our last session.”</p><p>Haseul started stretching, while Jungeun gawked at her, completely dazed. She was not sure if she had heard her friend’s words right. Or if she even wanted to have heard them right.</p><p>“Our last session?”</p><p>Haseul froze in her leg stretch. Jungeun could see her holding her breath, realizing what she had just said. She was silent, and Jungeun’s worry was starting to replace the endorphin that had spread throughout her body while dancing. She needed to ground herself and act rational, so she started stretching as well. Stillness was not going to make the answer come faster.</p><p>Haseul stretched her second leg as Jungeun sat down, legs spread, leaning forward to stretch her back, head inclined towards the floor.</p><p>“I’m going on tour. I’m leaving in two weeks. I won’t have time to come up here with you anymore.”</p><p>The reality hit Jungeun. Haseul had always belonged to the floors and the walls of this place. She had always been there. She literally lived on the floor just below them, where she had a bedroom filled with… filled with what, by the way? Jungeun had no clue.</p><p>Jungeun had been hanging out with her boss’ daughter, who also happened to be a singer. She had almost forgotten that Haseul was not glued to this place and that she had schedules to attend on a regular basis. But this time she would be gone longer.</p><p>She needed to conquer the world, after all. It was all Jungeun could wish for her. She put on her best proud expression, and although her excitement was tainted by worry, it was genuine.</p><p>“For real? That’s amazing! I’m happy for you!”</p><p>It was true. Jungeun was happy for Haseul. Even if it meant that she would lose the exciting part of her own routine. Everyone needed to hear Haseul’s voice. This tour was a good opportunity to showcase it.</p><p>“Yeah… I don’t really want to talk about it, though.”</p><p>Jungeun furrowed her brows. Haseul almost seemed… sad. How was that even possible? This was all she had ever wanted. At least it was what she had always told Jungeun. Something was up.</p><p>“Why? Are you worried?”</p><p>Haseul pouted and Jungeun could see she was trying to say something without words. It was too bad Jungeun had never learnt how to read thoughts.</p><p>“Something like that, yeah.”</p><p>Going away from home for several weeks to sing in various places was not an easy thing to do. Haseul had always been worried about how people would react to her singing.</p><p>“They’re gonna love you, Haseul! You’re finally gonna meet the people who’ve been supporting you since the beginning.”</p><p>She gave her a small smile, and Jungeun could tell she was not faking it. Whatever reason had made her friend sad, she had managed to make it go away for a bit, and it was a kind of satisfaction she had almost never experienced. Haseul deserved to be hyped up about this. She deserved to go on tour feeling joyful and supported.</p><p>“Maybe you’re right. Thank you, Jungeun.”</p><p>Haseul took a step towards Jungeun and suddenly, two sweaty arms enveloped her tight. A scent of sweat mixed with vanilla filled her nostrils. It was not a displeasing one. It was, in fact, quite intoxicating, although Jungeun would never admit it out loud.</p><p>“Ew, sweaty!”</p><p>She giggled and struggled a bit, but Haseul did not let go.</p><p>“I don’t care. I wanted to hug you just in case I didn’t get to see you before I left.”</p><p>If Jungeun was being completely honest with herself, she would let go and enjoy the comfort of hugging her friend for the first time. But the touch was so sudden, so unexpected, so unusual, that all her senses were going into alert, and that she was just paralyzed in the other girl’s embrace, unable to hug her back.</p><p>Haseul finally let go, and walked towards the door. The smile she gave Jungeun was a lot warmer than the shy one she had worn barely a moment ago.</p><p>“See ya, Jungeun!”</p><p>Jungeun waved, about to reply, but the door closed behind her friend.</p><p>The next two weeks were probably going to be hectic, but Jungeun was sure they would find a moment to see each other. She wanted to tell Haseul good luck before she left for the tour, anyway.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Every day, for two weeks, Jungeun awaited the moment Haseul would finally come by the front desk to say hi or bye, but that moment had never come. Jungeun knew her friend was busy, but she still could not wrap her head around the fact that they could not hang out almost every night. It had become part of her routine just as much as going to bed at 10pm and waking up at dawn. Going to the rooftop was now part of her day just like brushing her teeth. It was a self-care ritual.</p><p>She had a hard time adjusting to going back home early every night. She did not want to do that, yet she knew she had no choice. Or maybe she did.</p><p>“Jiwoo, are you free after work tonight?”</p><p>Jiwoo flushed and her gaze locked on her desktop screen, she bit her lip, probably trying to find something to say. Jungeun could see she was uncomfortable. Had she made Jiwoo uncomfortable?</p><p>“Oh don’t worry I’m not asking you on a date! I just thought it would be nice to hang out, you know?”</p><p>It did not take more than that statement to make Jiwoo burst into laughter.</p><p>“Jungeun are you out of your mind? Why would you say that? I know you’re not asking me on a date. It’s just…” her cheeks tainted to a pinker shade and she spoke in tiny font. “… I already have plans tonight, I’m sorry.”</p><p>Jiwoo pouted and Jungeun was sure something was up. She was only slightly disappointed in the fact Jiwoo could not hang out. Instead, she was mostly intrigued by the reason.</p><p>“Nice! What are you doing?”</p><p>Jiwoo untied her shoes to tie them up again. Jungeun knew it was only a diversion strategy. Her friend usually had no problem keeping a steady eye contact to say what was on her mind.</p><p>“I can’t tell you. Remember when I said I had a secret?”</p><p>Jungeun nodded. It was a long time ago, but she was not the kind to forget details of the conversations she had.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“It’s related to this secret.”</p><p>Jiwoo pouted as if to punctuate her words. Jungeun could not explain why she seemed both happy and sad at the same time.</p><p>“By the way, Jungeun, do you mind if I take a break now?”</p><p>Of course, she would not mind if her friend took a break, but it did not mean she could not try to gather a bit more information and tease her before letting her go.</p><p>“Is it secret related?”</p><p>“Kind of.”</p><p>Jiwoo shrugged. She seemed like she did not want to make a big deal out of it, but Jungeun could see that she was worried.</p><p>“Then you can go on a secret break.”</p><p>She winked, hoping it would make her friend light up. It did not. But it did manage to bring back her aura of alluring mystery.</p><p>Jiwoo left the desk and walked into the corridor behind them, and Jungeun was left to her own devices behind the front desk. It did not take her long to start thinking about her own secret. It was the last day before Haseul left for her tour, and she still had not come to say goodbye. Jungeun was not hopeless yet. Her friend still had one hour to come by before Jungeun’s shift would end. She wanted to hug her, this time. To wish her good luck for her tour.</p><p>But the hour went by too fast, and Jiwoo was too silent when she came back. The atmosphere was heavy, and Jungeun was starting to understand that before being her friend, Haseul was a singer. She had a career. She was going away. There was a real life outside of their secret hangouts. The worst part about it was that Haseul could be part of Jungeun’s life, she could pop in whenever she wanted, but Jungeun was not allowed to be part of Haseul’s life because the older girl was managed by none other than Jungeun’s boss. She could not just go say hi or bye. She should have known from the beginning. Deep down, she always knew.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Days had passed, and Jungeun still could not face the fact that Haseul had left. It was even harder now that Jiwoo had taken days off too because she had nothing to be excited for and the whole place seemed dull. She used to look forward to the end of her shifts, when she would hang out with Haseul. Then she did not have it anymore. Her main joy at work had become chatting with Jiwoo. And now, she did not have either of her friends to talk to. Of course, Jiwoo still replied to her texts, but the lack of spontaneity left Jungeun a lot of alone time with her thoughts.</p><p>The quiet days seemed even quieter than usual. The drawers had been tidied many times. There was not one pencil lying around. Yet, the order around Jungeun did not bring her any comfort. Her routine was boring. Nothing disturbed its regularity.</p><p>“You!”</p><p>Jungeun turned around to see who was talking to her from the corridor. Her heart stopped pumping her blood when she saw her boss coming behind the desk. The CEO. She bowed. The man seemed angry. Maybe he had found out about the secret place and the secret hangouts and she was about to be fired. He hopped up and down with impatience.</p><p>“Can you sing?”</p><p>Jungeun gasped. This was not what she had been expecting. She considered her options carefully. a) lying and staying in her comfort zone; b) telling the truth, even if she did not understand what her boss was aiming at. She simply could not lie to her boss. She had too much respect for authority.</p><p>“Hum… Maybe?”</p><p>She was on edge, scared. The last time she had told a man in his position she could sing, the story did not have a happy ending.</p><p>“Good, you’re coming with me.”</p><p>Jungeun was not one to question orders, but she had work ethics. Maybe her work ethics would save her from whatever was coming next.</p><p>“But I can’t leave the front desk unattended?”</p><p>The man swept the matter away with a wave of his hand.</p><p>“Just change the phone settings so it goes straight to voicemail. You’ll listen to it later. And put the sign that says the front desk is closed temporarily on the counter.”</p><p>She was doomed. She should have known there was a solution to everything and that she would have to leave the desk and follow her boss – her friend’s father, she could not keep it out of her mind – into the artificially lit corridor.</p><p>The ride in the elevator was the most awkward Jungeun had ever experienced. She stood before her boss, lips tight, her anxiety level rising. She still had no clue what was about to happen. She liked things to be predictable, and none of this situation was.</p><p>Third floor. They were going to the music studios area.</p><p>“Studio number three. On your left.”</p><p>Jungeun was still perplexed, but she followed the instructions. What else was she supposed to do?</p><p>She pushed on the door to enter studio number three and noticed two people inside. A man, and a girl about her age she had seen many times in the hallways, whose whole face was puffy with disappointment.</p><p>“So, one of the trainees was supposed to record the vocal guide for the new group’s title track, but apparently she’s sick.”</p><p>Jungeun peered at the defeated girl in the corner. Her sadness was understandable. Relatable, even. It brought Jungeun back to that day. When one gets a chance to record something and it is snatched away, coping is hard.</p><p>“I gave everyone a day off today, so I don’t have anyone on hand to record the part, but it’s urgent. Mr. Lee here will teach you the lines and we’ll record them as we go.”</p><p>So, now, she had to take this poor girl’s job? Her? Kim Jungeun? She was not a trainee.</p><p> “With all due respect, sir, you haven’t even heard me sing and you want me to record a vocal guide?”</p><p>“You said you could sing didn’t you?”</p><p>Jungeun gulped.</p><p>“I- yes. Sorry. I’ll do my best.”</p><p>She pouted at the girl in the corner, trying to apologize to her. The situation was out of her control. The girl gave her a meager smile, showing she understood.</p><p>“Yeri, you can go.”</p><p>She bowed, and left, and Jungeun found herself surrounded by two men who had already lost a lot of time and were eager to be done with their job.</p><p>“Let’s warm your voice up first!”</p><p>Mr Lee sat down at a keyboard and made Jungeun go through scales. She had not forgotten the exercise. She had done it way too often in high school to forget.</p><p>“Hmm… You can’t go very low, but you’re comfortable with higher notes, that’s interesting. Can you improvise a run?”</p><p>Little did the man know that it was one of Jungeun’s strengths. She caught his jaw dropping when she sang effortlessly despite the stress that was tying a knot in her throat. She saw him exchange an awed look with the CEO who raised a thumbs up. She must admit that the reaction from the two men got to her. She was singing, and her voice was appreciated. It was exhilarating. But it was scary.</p><p>She had spent two years trying to convince herself that she did not like singing in front of people, and that this career was not meant for her. The situation she was in was very dangerous for her. She was enjoying it a lot more than she should.</p><p>“Wow. Okay, let’s learn and record the lines, now.”</p><p>Mr. Lee taught her lines, and every time she knew a succession of them, she would go into the recording booth. They did not need to record more than once for each.</p><p>At the end, she stood in the booth, waiting for more instructions. She could not hear what any of the men behind the glass were saying, but she could see them have a lively conversation. She wanted to ask if she could step out and get back to work now that it was done, but she decided to be patient instead.</p><p>She stood there for a good five minutes. Time was slow.</p><p>“Jungeun, can you please come out?”</p><p>She did not need to be asked that twice. She pushed the door and walked into the soundboard room. The CEO talked.</p><p>“What would you think about joining the new group?”</p><p>Jungeun’s heart pounded so hard in her chest that she was going through literal pain.</p><p>“After making you record the guide vocals, we both think it would be a shame if we gave these lines to someone else. Of course you’d need intensive training in dancing to catch up with the others for the debut next summer, but something tells me you’d fit the concept.”</p><p>Jungeun had to remind herself to take a breath. This was not happening. It could not be happening. She did not want it to be happening. Her whole body was telling her to run away.</p><p>“I… I’ll need to think about it.”</p><p>She could not say no right away because it would be rude. So not giving an answer was the best thing she could do for now. She did not need to think about it. She knew she did not want to become an idol. Not anymore, anyway. Pin and needles were hammering her feet. She wanted to leave.</p><p>“I’ll expect your answer tomorrow, then. We can’t waste more time with production.”</p><p>Jungeun nodded. The man waved her off.</p><p>“You can go back to the front desk now, thank you for your hard work.”</p><p>Jungeun bowed to the two men and left, still dazed. She walked mechanically to the elevator and to the front desk. What she had just been through was overwhelming. The only way she could get back to work was through stupor. A part of her did not even want to process the event. She just wanted to get back to work and forget it even happened.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Under the dim light of her living room, Jungeun did not know what to do. Earlier that day, at work, it had been very clear to her that she did not want to become an idol, but then she had seen the greeting cards she had received in senior year of high school plastered on her wall and she had started to overthink.</p><p>Maybe she had given up on her dream too fast? But maybe she had given up on it for a good reason. What if her boss was mistaken? What if the way she had performed that day was a one-time thing? She could perform badly the rest of the time. She could mess up. She could be so bad that the instructors shoved her at the back and would never put her at the front even if she improved a lot because they would be stuck on their bad impression. She did not want to suffer the humiliation. Not that there was anything wrong with being at the back, she simply was not ready to give up on her comfort if there was a chance she would not be at the front.</p><p>She was having a fight with herself and could not make up her mind about what side would win. She wished she could talk to someone about it, but she did not want to bother Jiwoo on her day off. Especially since she did not know her friend’s position about the idol life. They had been to the same school after all. What if Jiwoo had lived a fail similar to Jungeun’s? By talking about their boss’ offer, maybe Jungeun would trigger her friend’s bad memory.</p><p>The only other person who could give her proper advice was Haseul. She had not heard from her in more than a week. Three weeks, if you included the time when she was still at the company before leaving for her tour, but still did not come see her.</p><p>Jungeun was split between being mad that Haseul did not come to say goodbye and being mad at herself for being mad when the circumstances were out of her friend’s hand. It was probably not her fault that she could not come by the front desk, and it was unfair of Jungeun to be mad at her.</p><p>Yet, she missed Haseul. She needed to see her, to talk to her. She needed her help. The dilemma she was facing had already kept her up until 11pm, which showed how much it was bothering her. Haseul was an idol, she could have given her advice. The only logical thing for Jungeun to do at that point was to ask herself one simple question: what would Haseul tell her to do?</p><p>And the answer was an obvious one. Haseul had made what she wanted her to do crystal clear.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jungeun arrived to the Satellite Entertainment building early the next day. After making her mind up, she had fallen asleep quicker than expected, and slept surprisingly well. Her decision would be the right one. At least according to Haseul. Jungeun trusted the opinion her friend had not had the occasion to share with her more than her own.</p><p>She went to the fifth floor, where all the most important offices were. The only time she had been there was when she had signed her secretary contract. Everything on this floor was quiet, professional. There was an aura of prestige.</p><p>Jungeun examined all the plates on the door, seeking the one she dreaded. She finally found it, at the very end of the corridor.</p><p>CEO Jo.</p><p>She knocked on the door and stood back.</p><p>“Please, come in.”</p><p>From the other side of the door, Jungeun could tell that her boss was not in a good mood. For a second, she thought it was not too late to turn back. But she was braver than this. She needed to be.</p><p>She pushed the door and was greeted by the sight of a man pissed at a pile of papers. He raised his head towards her with an inquisitive expression.</p><p>“Hello Miss Kim. Have you made up your mind?”</p><p>Jungeun stood still next to the door, unsure if she should walk up to the desk or not.</p><p>“I agree to join the group.”</p><p>The words had come out of her mouth with confidence, but Jungeun was shriveling on the inside. She knew she was trapping herself in a contract she could not get out of, that would probably be very uncomfortable, and that would definitely break the routine she had managed to create for herself.</p><p>“Wise choice. Please have a seat, the papers are ready, I’ve asked the head of human resources to print them in advance.”</p><p>Jungeun walked to the desk and caught sight of the tiny font of the papers she was being handed.</p><p>“Do you mind if I show this to a lawyer first?”</p><p>The man nodded, with a kind smile.</p><p>“Sure, go ahead.”</p><p>His willingness to let her show the papers to a lawyer said a lot about his work ethics and it was all that Jungeun needed to see. She could sign right away but her practical side made her think that she still needed to show the papers to a competent person.</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>She carefully put the papers in her bag and got down to the ground floor to work at the front desk. She felt weird knowing that it might be the last time. Hopefully it was the right decision.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>It was only 9am, and the practice room was already full of girls when Mrs. Jo led Jungeun there for the first time to meet her group members. She still could not believe she had accepted to sign a contract, but she was not afraid of what would be happening next. In a way, she had prepared for it her whole life. Her whole teenage years, at least. Surely, a few years without training could not have a big impact on her capacity to catch up.</p><p>When Mrs. Jo opened the door, the music stopped, and all the trainees bowed and greeted her. She smiled at them and waved them off so they got back to training. Jungeun was starting to wonder if smiling was just another family habit. Both the CEO, his wife and their daughter seemed kind.</p><p>Jungeun followed the head of human resources to the side of the room where two girls were standing. One of them was a tall dark-haired girl with bangs, and the other one seemed a little shorter, with brownish hair. They interrupted their dancing to greet the woman.</p><p>“Jinsol, Yerim, may I introduce the new girl we were telling you about?”</p><p>The two girls scanned Jungeun from top to bottom, but not in a haughty way. Quite the opposite. The shorter one was smiling like her life depended on it, and the taller one seemed shyer, but warm and kind. Jungeun instantly liked them.</p><p>“Hi, I’m Jungeun.”</p><p>She introduced herself with confidence and smiled at the two girls.</p><p>“Nice to meet you Jungeun. I’m Jinsoul.”</p><p>“And I’m Yerim.”</p><p>Mrs. Jo clapped her hands once to get the girls’ attention back</p><p>“Okay girls, now that you’re acquainted, here’s what’s going to happen: you get Jungeun caught up on as much of the choreo as you can. When you’re done practicing, show her to the dorm. Help her bring her stuff there too, alright?”</p><p>Right, the dorm. Jungeun had almost forgotten she would be living with two people now. She had been living on her own for so long she was worried she could not adapt. What if these girls were messy? She internally shrugged, if such a thing was possible. At least they sounded welcoming.</p><p>“Okay, you can count on us, Mrs. Jo.”</p><p>This Yerim girl seemed really invested in what she was doing. Who even would wink at their boss? If she could channel her energy into performances, this would definitely boost them.</p><p>“I’ll leave you to it, then. Please work hard.”</p><p>The three girls bowed before being left to their own devices, just like the other dozen of trainees in the room.</p><p>“So, Jungeun, have you ever danced before?”</p><p>Jinsoul was goggling at her, genuinely curious. Yerim was staring too, but the situation was not awkward at all. Jungeun felt comfortable. She had never had trouble making friends, after all.</p><p>“Yeah I have. I studied performing arts in high school.”</p><p>Yerim gasped.</p><p>“Did you graduate from Hanlim like Jiwoo?”</p><p>So, the girls knew Jiwoo personally? That was interesting, but not really surprising. Jiwoo did go often to the practice rooms during her breaks.</p><p>“Yes exactly! So hmm… can you please show me the choreography we’re working on?”</p><p>Yerim shook her head, realizing they had a task at hand. It was not that Jungeun wanted to change the subject, it was just that she wanted to be efficient. If she was committing to this trainee life, she wanted to do it fully. She was not one to do things halfway. She did not want to learn only a part of the choreography that day, she wanted to know it entirely, with all the details and key points.</p><p>“Oh right. We are working on a cover dance of xxyx’s debut song, Hate4eva!”</p><p>Jungeun sighed in relief. The choreography was simple, and she was sure she would master it fast enough.</p><p>“Maybe you should warm up before dancing, though.”</p><p>Jinsoul sounded clever and thoughtful. Two very good points. Jungeun nodded and started stretching. This day would be long and tiring, she knew it. But she was quite satisfied with how it was starting, and it was already nicer than she would have expected.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Life at the dorm was curiously nice. It was a very small two-room apartment inside the company building, on the sixth floor. Right below the CEO’s flat. Two floors under the rooftop. Obviously, when the elevator ride to get there had been almost as long as the one she used to take almost every day until recently, she had thought about how close she was from her secret place.</p><p>Haseul was still on tour, nowhere to be seen or heard of. Now that Jungeun lived there, she was tempted to go on the rooftop, to relive a few instants of nostalgia, but she did not have time for it anymore. She and her two members had to train all day. Since Jinsoul and Yerim’s parts of the title track had been recorded, they had had to learn an entirely new choreography for it.</p><p>Yerim learnt very fast and paid attention to details, which Jungeun appreciated because it made it easier. Jinsoul, on the other hand, had a harder time learning and was less precise. Her specialty was the vocals, she had made it pretty clear. But it did not bother Jungeun at all because she was willing to learn and paid attention, and it made it easier for her and Yerim to help her. At the end of the day, they made a great team, each girl helping the others when she could.</p><p>The prospect of their upcoming debut was very exciting. Jungeun’s boring routine had turned into a never stopping workload which kept her from thinking too much. At least when she was in the practice room. Once she was in their bedroom at 9:30pm, ready to fall asleep, things were different. In the dark of the room, where she was alone because the girls practiced later than she did, she was full of thoughts.</p><p>Her life had drastically changed in the course of two weeks, and she had not been able to share her resurgence of excitement with anybody. She could not call her parents during the day, and even when she managed to call them once, they were completely unphased by what she was talking to them about. She was not surprised. There were reasons why she had been living on her own for so long. She wanted to talk to Jiwoo too, but she could never find a moment to go to the front desk.</p><p>And more importantly, she wanted to talk to Haseul. Her friend had been the reason why she had accepted to sign a contract, and she wanted to tell her everything that was going on in her life. She wanted to tell her how emotional Jinsoul could get while watching puppy videos on the tv screen, or how Yerim would cook for all of them when she could. She wanted to tell her how much she loved to dance, or how singing practice was not as nice when it was not with her on the rooftop.</p><p>But ever since she had gone on tour, Jungeun had not heard from Haseul. She had no way of contacting her, even just to know if she was okay, if she was enjoying her tour. When Jungeun was lying in her bed, a reflection kept obstructing her thoughts: maybe if she had given her number to Haseul that day on the rooftop, they could be talking now. And she felt stupid for not having done the one thing that could have helped her stay in touch with the person who mattered the most to her.</p><p>This whole thinking led her to the conclusion that indeed, over the course of a few months, Haseul had managed to become the person whom she was the closest with. The one she trusted the most. The one she wanted to tell everything about her day to. The one she would take time to listen to even when she was busy.</p><p>Jungeun had always made acquaintances and friends easily. But never had she cared so much about someone. Not since her middle school bestfriend, anyway. And if she had had to witness her middle school bestfriend slowly drift away, she did not want the same thing to happen with Haseul. But it was happening, and she could not do anything about it.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Debut was right around the corner, yet, in the dark of the living room lit only with a desk lamp, four girls were playing drinking games. With fruit juice, soda, or bubble tea, according to their personal taste. Despite the fact that, except for Jiwoo, they were all on a diet, they allowed themselves this sugar intake, because the secretary being there with them was a special occasion.</p><p>In the last few weeks, Jungeun had barely had time to stop by the front desk to see her friend, who now had a new coworker, Heejin. So, when her two members had had the idea of having a proper sleepover, Jungeun’s first thought was to invite Jiwoo.</p><p>“Never have I ever… been an idol.”</p><p>Jiwoo was beaming, expecting all of them to drink. But Jungeun did not take a single sip from her bubble tea.</p><p>“Jungeun, you’re supposed to drink.”</p><p>A smirk stretched the skin of Jungeun’s cheeks.</p><p>“Technically, we haven’t debuted yet, we aren’t idols!”</p><p>Jinsoul was appalled.</p><p>“Did I just waste a sip of my mango juice? Not cool.”</p><p>Yerim patted the black-haired girl on the back, wearing the usual beam that only left her face when she was focused on her work.</p><p>“My turn! Never have I ever dated an idol!”</p><p>“Yerim that’s not-“ Jungeun paused. “Wait, WHAT?! JIWOO?!”</p><p>Her friend was taking a gulp of her strawberry juice, glazing over the table, the dim lighting showing a faint tint of pink on her cheeks.</p><p>“Who is it?!”</p><p>Yerim stamped under the table, still focused on Jiwoo’s possible reactions. Jungeun raised an eyebrow, intrigued, but not wanting to invade her friend’s space.</p><p>“Is it related to the secret you couldn’t tell me?”</p><p>Jiwoo stretched her lips thin and stirred on her straw.</p><p>“Yes. I’m sorry I really can’t tell you guys more.”</p><p>Yerim and Jinsoul were about to protest. Jungeun nodded. She knew what it was like to have an unauthorized relationship with an idol, whatever it was. She was not dating Haseul, but still she could not tell anyone about their secret hangouts either. Both Jiwoo and herself had a lot to lose if they spoke. She knew how heavy that could be. When she missed Haseul and realized she could not tell anyone about it, Jungeun felt lonelier than from missing Haseul alone.</p><p>She was surrounded by her new friends, but it was still like there was a wall of unsaid things standing between them. And at the same time, even if it had been a possibility, she would not even want to tell them about it. She had gotten extremely protective over the secret moments she and Haseul spent together. It belonged to them, and them only. It was marvelous, wonderful, and Jungeun was scared that if any word came out of her mouth and fell into someone else’s ears, her story would be interpreted and transformed by someone else’s perception, and she did not want to hear it. She wanted to keep it to herself, intact. She could empathize with how Jiwoo felt about the person she was dating. If her two groupmates were disappointed by the lack of details, Jungeun knew better. She grabbed Jiwoo’s hand and squeezed it for support. Her friend mouthed her a silent “thank you”.</p><p>She decided to take the lead and keep the game going so her friends would not ask any more question.</p><p>“My turn! Never have I ever bleached my hair.”</p><p>Jinsoul drank, and the story about how bleaching her hair for three years had ruined her scalp made everyone forget about Jiwoo’s dating story. Except maybe for Jiwoo, who was still anxiously pulling on her sleeves from time to time.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jungeun had been in the practice room since 6am with other trainees who were not part of a group yet. Jinsoul and Yerim usually both woke up a lot later and the only moment they would all train together as a group was from late afternoon until early evening. At the start they had all adapted to each other, but now, they trained whenever their body clock let them. Most of the time, Jungeun trained alone.</p><p>A quick glance at the clock on the wall informed her that it was about time to fill her growling stomach and to give her sore muscles a break.</p><p>She never used the elevator right after practice, for fear of intoxicating someone’s nostrils with the smell of sweat. She always climbed the metallic emergency staircase on the side of the building diligently.</p><p>When she entered the dorm, Yerim was in the kitchen and Jinsoul was slouched on the sofa. Jungeun plopped down next to her friend.</p><p>“Is fried chicken okay with you?”</p><p>Jungeun turned her head over the backrest.</p><p>“Sure, thanks Yerim!”</p><p>Jungeun never cooked. Ever. Some people would say that she stole her members’ food, but she saw it as sharing. Her friends were nice enough to share their food with her. In return, she would usually pay when they ordered delivery. It was a win-win situation. Whether it was Jinsoul or Yerim who cooked, she would not mind. She was not a picky eater. At least, she tried not to be.</p><p>The television screen was showing an ad for a brand-new foldable phone.</p><p>“What are you watching?”</p><p>Jinsoul looked up from her phone.</p><p>“Haseul is on a variety show in a few minutes. I wanna watch it. It’s been a while since we have last seen her, I wonder how her tour is going.”</p><p>Haseul. Jungeun froze, glazing over the screen. Jinsoul seemed to notice.</p><p>“We can watch something else if you want?”</p><p>Jungeun shook her head.</p><p>“No no, it’s okay! I wanna know too!”</p><p>Did she, though? Haseul was probably very happy on tour, and it would remind her that she was here, on her own, missing her. Did her friend even think of her sometimes? Lately, she had been thinking that if Haseul had wanted to keep in touch with her, she would have found a way. Jungeun could not ask for her boss’ daughter’s number because it was inappropriate, but Haseul could get hers if she wanted to. She had said it. Yet, she had not heard of her since she had left, two months ago.</p><p>“Oh look, she’s on!”</p><p>Yerim’s voice behind them tore Jungeun off her thoughts.</p><p>Haseul appeared in the studio. She was sitting on a stool, facing a talk show host who seemed more than happy to interview her. She was beaming. Her smile was still the same, delightful. Her hair had grown a little, but it was barely noticeable for someone who had not spent countless hours poring over such details.</p><p>From the first question to the last, Jungeun ingested Haseul’s news, suddenly forgetting how hungry she was. It was the first time she was hearing from her friend in so long, and beside the disappointment, it appeased her to see that she was well. She could be putting a show, but Jungeun had learnt to notice the crinkles that proved her sincerity. Haseul was fine. The lead in Jungeun’s chest turned to feathers.</p><p>
  <em>“So, Haseul. Is there a message you want to send to someone at home?”</em>
</p><p>Haseul’s mouth opened for a split second and Jungeun could notice that she was disconcerted by the question. But her camera training quickly got the upper hand and she stared into the camera like her life depended on it. Jungeun noticed the dancing flames behind her pupils once more.</p><p>
  <em>“You’ll recognize yourself, I think. I miss our little moments. I hope you’re doing okay. I’m sure you are. I’m your biggest fan and I believe in you. I will remain faithful. We’ll see each other soon, right? I love you.”</em>
</p><p>Jungeun’s jaw dropped at the first sentences.</p><p>“Haseul has a boyfriend?!”</p><p>Of course, Yerim had to remind Jungeun that the reality was entirely different from the imaginary scenario she was making inside her head. She was speechless. Discussing Haseul’s boyfriend was not something she wanted to partake in.</p><p>“I don’t think she has a boyfriend. She’s probably not allowed to.”</p><p>Jinsoul’s argument could be valid if Haseul was not doing things she was not allowed to. Jungeun was a first-hand witness to Haseul not respecting the rules. When she thought about it, it was possible that her friend had a boyfriend.</p><p>What hurt her was that Haseul had never told her about him. When she thought about it, Haseul had not disclosed much personal information. Jungeun felt, deep down, that she knew Haseul. Had feeling, for once, surpassed reasoning? Had she fooled herself into thinking that she and Haseul were friends? Friends do tell things about their lives to each other. Except for the secret they shared, Jungeun was suddenly not so sure that she and Haseul had shared anything. She had probably imagined their friendship inside her head. What a fool.</p><p>“Who else would she say stuff like that too?”</p><p>Yerim had a point, and Jungeun sank into the couch even more. Her friend had disappeared from the screen, replaced by an ad for a luxury wristwatch. She felt empty. All of her beliefs, all her past memories, the things that had given her substance – and joy – in the last few months had just been robbed from her.</p><p>“That’s exciting! Who do you think it is?”</p><p>Jinsoul’s face had lit up but Jungeun interrupted her. She did not want to hear about the possible boyfriend anymore. She wanted to change topics.</p><p>“Do you guys know Haseul well?”</p><p>Yerim shrugged, still smiling.</p><p>“Not really. She’s very nice and she always makes sure to greet everyone in the practice room, but we don’t know her more than that. I think she isn’t really allowed to be friends with anyone here.”</p><p>The younger girl pouted. It was indeed a sad situation for Haseul. Jungeun had never thought about it this way. A surge of guilt ran through her veins. She was upset for not being more understanding when she had learnt about the boyfriend a minute ago. Of course, Haseul could not tell her if she had a boyfriend. She would be putting herself at risk. Even more than for hanging out with a staff member. It was just… they already shared and protected a secret, why not another one?</p><p>And just like that, Jungeun’s brain was split between being sad that her friend had to keep her private life a secret from everyone and upset because she had kept it even from her. You could add the emptiness of her vanishing friendship fantasies to the whole mix. She clearly did not know Haseul as well as she thought she did.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jungeun, Yerim and Jinsoul stopped dancing when Jiwoo barged into the practice room, ignoring all the other trainees. The grin she was wearing went from one ear to the other.</p><p>“Have you guys seen Haseul yet?”</p><p>A woodpecker tried to perforate Jungeun’s ribcage. Her lips open slightly, but she was not sure about what to say. She could not appear too enthusiastic. If she was being entirely honest with herself, she did not even know if she could allow herself to be enthusiastic.</p><p>“Is she back from tour?”</p><p>Jiwoo nodded like her life depended on it.</p><p>“Yes! She was in xxyx’s practice room when I went there to say hi!”</p><p>Haseul had come back there and had not even warned her. She could have dropped by their practice room to say hi, but she had not. But maybe Jungeun was being bitter over nothing. Maybe Haseul had not found time to come yet.</p><p>“I told her you were not working at the front desk anymore and that you were debuting with Odd Eye Society. She looked happy.”</p><p>Jungeun nodded. If anything, Jiwoo had always known she had a fondness for Haseul. She was still embarrassed about how she used to react every time Haseul came when she was at the front desk, before they hung out. Still, she did not know what to say, so she remained silent.</p><p>“I’m sure she’ll drop by soon! Get practicing so you can show off!”</p><p>Jiwoo winked and left as fast as she had come.</p><p>“Well, that was quick.”</p><p>Jinsoul’s voice reminded Jungeun that her two members were there. She had not even paid attention to them while Jiwoo had spilled the information. She was still trying to process the news: Haseul was back.</p><p>Jinsoul and Yerim started chatting about Haseul being back, but Jungeun had already gotten back to dancing. She did not want to think about her friend being there. If she did, she would get her hopes up, only for them to be crushed once more.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>A week later, the second leg of Haseul’s tour was announced.</p><p>Two weeks later, she had never once come to the trainees’ practice room. Jungeun had even started to stay longer at night, just to make sure she would not miss Haseul if she came. But she never did.</p><p>Jungeun did not want to think her friend had forgotten about her, but her intestines were tying themselves in a knot when she thought about it. She needed to see her, to talk to her, to get a proof that their friendship was real. She could not stand not knowing.</p><p>She had always wanted to know where she stood, never finding satisfaction in ambiguity, in possibility. Haseul’s lack of reply, and her absence, left Jungeun thinking that Haseul did not care. It was the only rational explanation. But at the same time, she had a gut feeling that they were friends, that everything had been real. Her brain and her guts were fighting for the pole position in her life, and it was getting more tiring than the intense practice for Odd Eye Society’s upcoming debut.</p><p>She needed to know. She needed to confront herself to her fears to get rid of them. She needed to confront Haseul.</p><p>“Where are you going?”</p><p>Jinsoul’s tone was inquisitive. Jungeun did not have to tell her anything, but she did anyway.</p><p>“I’m going to xxyx’s practice room. I have to ask Sooyoung something.”</p><p>Technically, it was true. She had leadership questions to ask the other girl, and she would ask for her advice if she got the chance, but it was not her priority. Jinsoul did not need to know that. Jungeun knew her friend had only asked where she was going out of habit.</p><p>She left their practice room and walked further into the corridor. She knocked on xxyx’s door and opened. Only Sooyoung was there, stretching, her back turned to the door. Jungeun recognized her because of her shoulder-length hair and slim figure. She did not know the xxyx members well.</p><p>“Hi Sooyoung! Hum… Have you seen Haseul around here recently?”</p><p>The taller girl turned her head over her shoulder and turned to sit cross-legged towards Jungeun.</p><p>“She left yesterday. Why?”</p><p>Jungeun painfully swallowed Sooyoung’s words. They were stuck in her throat. Haseul had left without telling her? Without even saying hi or bye, once more? Now Jungeun could be sure their friendship meant nothing to her. Maybe she had only had the role of a spare tire before Haseul had met her boyfriend, and now she did not need Jungeun anymore. Her blood was turning cold and her insides were burning, but she kept a straight face.</p><p>“I was just curious. Can I ask you something? From leader to leader? I need advice.”</p><p>The other girl softened in a warm expression. She patted the floor in front of her so Jungeun would sit.</p><p>“Sure, what’s bothering you?”</p><p>Despite the fact that Jungeun’s fantasy world and real world were colliding and crumbling on themselves, Sooyoung seemed welcoming. And in that moment, Jungeun would take anything, any distraction, not to fall apart.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jungeun could not escape the sight of Haseul. During the second leg of her tour, she had garnered a lot of attention, and she was everywhere in the media. There was not one day when Jungeun would scroll social media without seeing her. And she had even muted her name to avoid the torture. But when people called her “Korea’s next sweetheart”, or “Satellite Entertainment’s Angel”, or other nicknames and paraphrases, she could not avoid her.</p><p>Before Haseul went on tour, Jungeun had felt like she knew her better than anybody else. Since the boyfriend hint, she was not so sure anymore. And now that the media kept covering their famous it girl’s life, she was absolutely certain that interviewers knew her friend better than she did. But Jungeun kept inflicting torture on herself by reading the interviews. She learnt more about Haseul through interviews than she had in a few months. It was mostly random things that had never come up in their conversations, but still, all of it reminded Jungeun that she had fooled herself.</p><p>By chance, Yerim and Jinsoul were a perpetual source of distraction. Between Jinsoul being goofy and Yerim being cheerful even when training was hard, Jungeun managed to find tiny bits of happiness here and there. Once she finally let go of her non-existent friendship with Haseul, she realized that she had been keeping Yerim and Jinsoul away. She made the conscious decision to stop doing that. She let her walls crumble, she let her friends in. She focused on building a meaningful connection with them while leading them to success as a team.</p><p>Jungeun’s work as an idol finally took up all her mental space. There was nothing that could distract her anymore. She was working towards a goal, with her new friends’ support, and nothing would stop them.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Maybe it was the sun setting, or maybe it was exhaustion, but that night, two weeks after their debut, Jungeun’s nostalgia peaked. Yerim and Jinsoul were still practicing, and she could not sleep. It was summer, and at 10:20pm, night still had not fallen. Jungeun kept contemplating the view through their bedroom window. The city behind it was still lively. It never changed, when seen from above. Cars passing by, movement everywhere.</p><p>She remembered watching it from the rooftop, and the sudden urge she felt to go there was visceral. She had not been there since Haseul had left and maybe watching the familiar city landscape from a place she used to be at peace in would bring her comfort and help her fall asleep.</p><p>She took the same elevator Haseul and her used to take, opened the same door, climbed the same staircase, opened the other door. Their artificial plants were still right by it, covered by the tarpaulin, just like their two armchairs. She gave in to her temptation and uncovered them.</p><p>Nothing had changed, except that for once, she was there alone. She sat on her bamboo armchair and closed her eyes, taking in the quiet of the place. When she opened them again, they naturally fell on Haseul’s rattan seat.</p><p>What was it like to sit in Haseul’s place? Was the view different? Was the world different? Would seating there help her understand why Haseul had vanished from her life?</p><p>The temptation was heavy, but a noise caught her attention. Maybe she was hallucinating, but she was sure she had heard something coming from the other side of the building.</p><p>Curiosity drove her to walk around, until she froze in front of the nook where she and Haseul had hidden that one snow day.</p><p>Two people were there. Two people whose faces she knew well.</p><p>“What are you doing here?”</p><p>Jiwoo jumped out of the nook.</p><p>“Please Jungeun, don’t tell anyone you saw us here.”</p><p>Jungeun glanced back and forth between Jiwoo and Sooyoung. The taller girl seemed embarrassed, anxious. When she grabbed Jiwoo’s hand, Jungeun understood. She gasped. Of course, Sooyoung was Jiwoo’s secret idol date. Once more, Jungeun would not betray her friend’s trust.</p><p>“I won’t. I promise.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>In less than a second, Jungeun was engulfed in Jiwoo’s tight hug. When she finally let her go, Jungeun started to realize what was happening.</p><p>Jungeun and Haseul’s rooftop had become Jiwoo and Sooyoung’s, washing away all of their story. Their friendship had been replaced by a romance. The rooftop did not belong to them anymore. Jungeun was mad at Jiwoo and Sooyoung. Not because they were dating – in retrospective, she should have known, the clues were obvious – but because they were dispossessing her from her comfort place. Now that she knew they came here; it did not feel safe anymore. Her secret place had been discovered. What if they had sat in their armchairs? Her whole body cringed. She was overwhelmed.</p><p>“Are you okay? You’re a little pale.”</p><p>Jiwoo’s forehead was wrinkling. Jungeun’s legs staggered. She was about to fall, not from the rooftop but from the cloud made of fantasies, dreams and memories that she had slowly built inside her head, and that had breached so many times by then that it was now about to completely vanish through thin air, letting her freefall.</p><p>The world around her felt grey despite the golden hour lighting, and her legs stopped supporting her. She fell down on her knees, under Jiwoo and Sooyoung’s stunned gaze. She felt empty and weak. Her friend was talking to her, but she could not react. Nothing existed except for what stood on the other side of the railing. She was glazing over the cars passing down the building, deafened by the loss of her memories. It was just too much for her to handle, she felt her mind shut down.</p><p>“Jungeun!”</p><p>Sooyoung shook her shoulders with the same gentleness she had when she talked, but Jungeun did not budge. She saw, in the corner of her eye, Jiwoo gesturing something to Sooyoung, and suddenly, they were forcing her to stand up, and holding all of her weight on their shoulders. They brought her to her dorm.</p><p>Jungeun knew they were taking a great risk by carrying her there together through the corridors, especially at a time when a lot of artists were leaving the practice rooms. Jiwoo should have gone home a long time ago, she was not supposed to be on the premises anymore. Sooyoung was supposed to be either practicing or chilling in her dorm. But they brought her safely into her bed anyway. She still could not speak while they tucked her in. She just turned to the wall and fell asleep.</p><p>The next day, when she woke up, she remembered what had happened, but not why it had happened. It was all facts to her, no emotions attached. She was tired but went on with her day just like any other. After that day, she did not once think about the rooftop, or about Haseul. In fact, she did not think of them at all anymore.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>After six long weeks, Odd Eye Society was finally done promoting. Jungeun, Jinsoul and Yerim had given it their all, and exhaustion was a euphemism to describe their mental and physical state. The company had given them two days off, and, instead of visiting their families, they had used that time to sleep as much as they could in their tiny dorm. Jinsoul had read webtoons, Yerim had painted everyone’s nails, and Jungeun had taken Instagram-worthy pictures of the succulents Jiwoo’s grandma had gifted them.</p><p>The two days had gone by fast, and the three girls could not even pretend to be enthusiastic to resume training. Of course, meeting their fans had been galvanizing, and it motivated them to work even harder, but in that specific moment, they still wanted to get some rest.</p><p>Jinsoul was laying on her back in the practice room, while Yerim was checking in the mirror if she was doing a move correctly, and Jungeun was in the corner texting her mother when the door opened. Jungeun did not realize, still focused on her phone.</p><p>“Haseul?!”</p><p>Jinsoul sat up and Yerim literally ran across the practice room to greet their boss’ daughter.</p><p>“Hi Yerim! Hi Jinsoul!”</p><p>Jungeun raised her head and was met with the other girl’s eyes.</p><p>“Hi Jungeun!”</p><p>Her voice was soft, and she was looking at her in the same intent way she had in the past, like nothing had changed. Things had changed. Jungeun grimaced and focused on her phone, but in the corner of her eyes, she noticed how Haseul’s gaze transformed, showing hurt.</p><p>All remnants of their friendship had gone by the window the day Jungeun had caught Jiwoo and Sooyoung on the rooftop. Since she had woken up the next day, on the rare occasions Jungeun had thought of Haseul, she had despised for abandoning her like she had, and no “Hi Jungeun!” in a honey-dipped tone would soothe her nerves.</p><p>Still, Haseul walked up to her, and handed her a piece of paper.</p><p>“My father asked me to give you this.”</p><p>Jungeun glared at the other girl while she caught the sheet without any care. Haseul did not move. Jungeun could sense that the only way to get rid of her would be to show her she had read. The moment Jungeun’s eyes landed on the ink, Haseul walked away, smiling at Yerim and Jinsoul.</p><p>
  <em>“Meet me where you know asap.”</em>
</p><p>Jungeun wanted to tear the paper down. After all this time, Haseul thought she could pop back in her life just like that? It was not that simple. Jungeun crumpled the piece of paper.</p><p>“Are you really crumpling the CEO’s paper just like that?”</p><p>Jungeun groaned. She was already mad and did not need Yerim to interfere.</p><p>“I’ve gotta go.”</p><p>She left the practice room. And headed towards the elevator, thinking that their dorm would be the only place where she could be on her own to process the conflicting emotions that were starting to rise inside of her. Yes, she was mad at Haseul. And at the same time, she wanted to know what had happened. She deserved to know. She needed an explanation.</p><p>The elevator door opened on the dorms floor. She stepped out, but before the doors closed, she got back in and pressed another button. She was going to get an apology. She deserved that.</p><p>When she got to the rooftop, Haseul was standing next to the railing. She turned around, facing Jungeun and walked towards her. Jungeun did not have time to take a step. Haseul wedged her into an embrace. Jungeun’s muscles tensed up. She did not move at all.</p><p>“I’ve missed you so much.”</p><p>Jungeun freed herself from the other girl and glowered at her silently.</p><p>“Is something wrong?”</p><p>The innocent tone Haseul was using was unbearable. Jungeun wanted to shake her like a plum tree.</p><p>“Is something wrong?! Is something wrong?! Yes something is wrong! I haven’t heard from you in months!”</p><p>Haseul’s mouth opened, about to protest, but Jungeun cut her off.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, you were on tour, I get it. But you didn’t even come visit me when you were here on break!”</p><p>Haseul was curling up on herself, and Jungeun could see that she was getting teary-eyed. Hurt was all over the other girl’s face. Jungeun was mad. But she could not say she did not care. It was painful to see her friend like that. But she was mad, and that was what prevailed in this moment.</p><p> “I didn’t want to distract you.”</p><p>The other girl’s voice was tiny. She was about to break. Jungeun could sense it. And she still pushed.</p><p>“Distract me from what?”</p><p>“Your career.”</p><p>It was now obvious that Haseul had no idea how Jungeun’s brain worked. She had known Haseul before having had a career. She gave their friendship as much, if not more, importance as she gave Odd Eye Society. Heck, at first, she did not even want to be in the group. She had only accepted because she had thought it would make Haseul happy, or proud. But Haseul had not been there to witness her growth as an artist.</p><p>“Did your dad tell you he signed me?”</p><p>Haseul finally looked up tentatively.</p><p>“I told him to sign you.”</p><p>Jungeun’s jaw dropped.</p><p>“You did what?!”</p><p>Haseul lowered her gaze again, but she did not speak in tiny font anymore. Her voice was clear.</p><p>“I recorded you singing, and I told him he should find a way to sign you, but that he would have to trick you into it because you’d never audition.”</p><p>“You… you did that?”</p><p>Haseul was the one responsible for her dad suddenly requesting Jungeun to sing out of nowhere and convincing her to sign a contract? Haseul had been the one who had asked him to lure Jungeun with a dream she had long decided to forget because it hurt her? Haseul had been the one who had forced her to contemplate this hurt? Jungeun had known that Haseul was the reason she had signed the contract, because she had done it for her, but she had never thought that the whole thing had been manufactured by her. She had told Haseul that she did not want to become an idol, or sing in front of anyone else, and yet, she had meddled behind her back. It was a betrayal.</p><p>Jungeun was still glaring, her lips pinched together, silent.</p><p> “You loved singing. I knew you would be an amazing singer.”</p><p>Jungeun did like singing. The memories she had been keeping at bay resurfaced when she heard Haseul talk about it. She remembered the harmonies that both of their voices created on these cold winter nights.</p><p> “I loved singing <em>with you</em>.”</p><p>The only reason Jungeun had started to sing again was Haseul. Because she liked the way she felt when they sang together.</p><p>“Jinsoul and Yerim sing really well too.”</p><p>Of course, they did. But did the ants in Jungeun’s stomach waltz when she sang with them? No, they did not.</p><p> “They’re not you.”</p><p>Her voice had come out like a whisper. She was starting to give in. Even after all these months of radio silence, she could tell that Haseul had not changed. Maybe Jungeun could give her a chance to explain.</p><p>“I don’t wanna sing with you anymore, Jungeun.”</p><p>Just when she was about to let her guard down, Haseul broke through her ribcage and crumpled what was left of her heart. The bitterness that was starting to fade rose again. Jungeun did not even know what to reply to that. She was always able to come up with something, but not this time. Her body was numb, and so was her tongue. She turned around and placed her hand on the door handle, but Haseul put a firm hand on her shoulder, forcing her to listen to her as she spoke.</p><p> “I mean, I do want to sing with you, but I don’t want to do just that. I want to do many other things like going to the movies, play board games, cook… anything, really. It was incredibly hard for me not to contact you when I was gone. I wanted to share every little everyday thing with you.”</p><p>Once again, Haseul was being selfish. Maybe it had been hard for her to get in touch – although Jungeun had a hard time believing it, she would take it – but did she have any clue how hard it had been for Jungeun? How often she had wanted to talk to Haseul but could not? Each time Haseul had had a chance to reach out, she had not. She had come home from tour several times, and not once had she dropped by Odd Eye Society’s practice room.</p><p>“Then why didn’t you? Was it because of your boyfriend?”</p><p>Haseul grimaced. Jungeun could see that she was genuinely surprised by her question.</p><p> “What boyfriend?”</p><p>The other girl was puzzled, there was no doubt about it. But it still was not enough to fool Jungeun.</p><p>“The one you dedicated the message to on that variety show a while ago.”</p><p>Haseul facepalmed and shook her head, desperate.</p><p>“Jungeun… that was you.”</p><p>Jungeun frowned. She remembered that at first, while hearing the message, she had recognized herself, but there was one detail that proved it was not her. Was Haseul saying it was her only to offer her reassurance and win her friendship back?</p><p>“But… you said you’d remain faithful. That sounds like something you’d tell a boyfriend.”</p><p>Haseul bit her lip and stared into the void full of anger of Jungeun’s soul.</p><p>“I have faith in you, and I always will. That’s what I meant. That was a clumsy way of wording it, I’m sorry.”</p><p>It made sense. At least, Jungeun wanted to think it made sense. Haseul believed in her, huh? Maybe she could try believing in Haseul too. No matter how sorry her friend was, she still had a few things to clear out before breaking her walls.</p><p>“So, no boyfriend?”</p><p>Haseul grimaced again, showing an obvious disgust which brought Jungeun an immediate satisfaction.</p><p>“Ew no. No boyfriend.”</p><p>Jungeun raised an eyebrow. If Haseul had not spent all her time with her boyfriend, what had she been doing when she was on breaks, except for resting?</p><p>“Then, why didn’t you come see me when you were here?”</p><p>Haseul’s eyes turned into open wounds. As far as Jungeun could tell, her regrets were sincere.</p><p>“Because I was scared that if I saw you, I’d never be able to leave your side again to go on tour.”</p><p>This could not be true. Haseul could not feel that way about her. It was not possible. Jungeun did not miss a beat.</p><p>“I… didn’t think you’d miss me that much.”</p><p>Wow, what a sarcastic tone, well done Jungeun. Haseul seemed taken aback, but quickly regained composure.</p><p>“I have… I think I realized something”</p><p>She paused, stirring up Jungeun’s curiosity.</p><p>“You know, I always stopped in the corridor behind the front desk to listen to you hum. You sounded sweet. There was something different between the way you were flustered at the desk, and how natural humming was to you.”</p><p>Jungeun cringed. She did not want to remember those times where she had shown how much of a weak mess she could be.</p><p>“And then, when I was on stage for my secret showcase, I saw you watching. There was something in the way you were watching that I had never seen. Like you were shying away from the performance, for whatever reason. I didn’t know what it was and it made me even more curious.”</p><p>Haseul paused again. Jungeun remembered that day, when she had discovered her friend’s angelic voice. The day that had turned her life around.</p><p>“I needed to know you, and I don’t know why, but I wanted you to know me too. So, I took you to the rooftop. And then I promised to take you again, and it was frustrating for a while because there was only one armchair, and I really wanted to get a second one for you, but I couldn’t find it for a whole week. So I had to leave you waiting, and it really upset me.”</p><p>So… when she thought Haseul had forgotten her, Haseul was in fact pulling her hair out trying to find a way to make her comfortable?</p><p>“And then we started hanging out, and it felt natural. Obvious, in a sense. And… I think somewhere along the way… I fell in love with you.”</p><p>The last revelation caught Jungeun off guard. She was not expecting that. For weeks, she had been thinking that Haseul did not care about her. She had convinced herself that their friendship meant nothing. She had accepted the fact that she had to let it go. And now, Haseul was telling her the exact opposite of everything she had convinced herself of?</p><p>Was it love that Jungeun had felt all along? That constant longing? The way missing Haseul messed with her brain? The life-changing decision that she dreaded but had still made because she had thought it would make Haseul happy?</p><p>She took her friend’s words in. She did care about her more than about anyone else. She did like being close to her. She wanted her to be happy. All the anger and frustration she had suffered from had been rooted in the hurt of Haseul’s absence. Maybe, without realizing what it was, she had been in love with her this whole time.</p><p>Maybe she had been anxious about how she appeared at the front desk and scared of their relationship being found out, not because Haseul was her boss’ daughter, but because she had been attracted to the girl like a magnet from the beginning.</p><p>“Please say something.”</p><p>Jungeun realized she had been silent for too long. Haseul’s confession was probably as terrifying for her as the realization was for Jungeun.</p><p> “I don’t know anything about love, Haseul. All these months I kept thinking about you, hoping you were okay. Sad because I couldn’t talk to you. And maybe, now that I think about it, I was jealous of your boyfriend. If that’s what love is, then, I guess I fell in love with you.”</p><p>Jungeun stared into Haseul’s eyes. Her anger had vanished, and the shyness of their first exchanges had long disappeared too. For the first time, she allowed herself to think of Haseul in a different light. The relief was instantaneous, but another form of torture appeared, filling her body with a form of dread she had not had the chance to know before. All these months, they had been away from each other, but the short distance between was even more painful now than it was then. She had yearned to be with Haseul for longer than she had imagined, and when she let herself explore the black sea behind her pupils, it all made sense.</p><p>Haseul broke their staring contest by taking a step forward. She cupped Jungeun’s cheeks, and their lips crashed together, dancing against each other to the rhythm of the melodies they had sung together in the past. Jungeun was conscious of everything, from the way Haseul’s finger were laying over her jaw, to the softness of her lips against hers, and the millipede dancing a foxtrot in her abdomen. Maybe it was because it was Jungeun’s first kiss. Maybe it was because it was Jungeun’s first love. Maybe it was because it was Haseul.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This fic reconciled me with writing, so I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.<br/>Shoutout to Ni (@enby_alien) who beta read, and to all the people who have supported me, helped me or even just tolerated me while I was writing ♥</p><p>I would absolutely LOVE to get your feedback* (I live and breathe for feedback, in case you didn't know), so please, please, please, leave kudos and comments, it will totally make my day (maybe even my week or my month, tbh) 🥺<br/>* this means: yes, please criticize the fic, be harsh if you must, just be mindful of being constructive and not hateful.</p><p>Feel free to drop by my <a href="http://curiouscat.qa/lipsomniac">curiouscat</a>.<br/>And follow me on twitter (<a href="https://twitter.com/lipsomniac">@lipsomniac</a>) for my social media aus (I have a completed Lipseul au) or if you want to know when I start another writing project!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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